No Words

What do I say when I don't have words? You're verbal they say, you should speak.

But the thoughts don't turn into words, and the ones that do, don't turn into speech. There's a disconnect. It doesn't work, even if I try and force it. And when I try, the words leave.

The words only work if I let my fingers do the talking. If I let my fingers say what the thoughts want me to say. If I let things go naturally the way my body wants them to. If I don't try to force my way into a thing that isn't me at this moment. Some words come when I let my fingers say them.

But speech, it doesn't. It's disconnected and the thoughts don't make it there. And truthfully, it feels calmer inside like this. I don't want to fight it. I don't want to try to make myself have to fight back to how I normally am. I do sometimes, when it makes more sense to. And it hurts inside (and might make me sob from how wrong it is) but sometimes I forcibly piece this connection back together.

But either way, I know, I'll speak again. The disconnect is only there sometimes. It's there when I can't handle everything else. It's there when I don't have any need to speak. It's there sometimes, just because it is.

There's no reason. There's no fear, or anxiety, or things I'm near. I'm sitting here in my room, the same place I spend much of my time, typing away here, with just me and my cat and my weighted blanket. It's the same as any other day, except today the words don't work that way.

And I'm okay with that.

I'm okay when the words don't come. It's harder. It's awkward when you end up at a coffee shop with too loud of music, trying to just order hot cocoa and a bagel with a phone and gestures. But, they listen to the AAC device, pay attention to the pointing to the bagel when they struggle to hear it all, and it works out.

I'm okay with it taking longer, and with some people not taking me seriously. Some people don't anyways, so what if there's a few more people who won't listen. I can still get what I need to done.

I'm okay with knowing that sometimes I'm like this, sometimes I'm not, and people telling me that I can't be. It's either selective mutism, despite not matching any signs of selective mutism besides the fact that I'm verbal and sometimes am unable to speak, or a lie and I'm always able to speak and just don't want to.

I'm okay with just being how I am. When I have words, when I don't have words, and when those words need certain ways to get out.

Typing is faster and more accurate than speaking anyways.