Monologuing

It is the time for words.

When the time for words comes, if I start to speak the words come. They come without challenge; not hiding away, not mixed up in each other's places. When it's the time for words, the word finding challenges aren't there. The challenges of speaking a different word than I was thinking, gone. The sitting there thinking in translation, trying to find the right words for my thoughts, not happening. No, during the times for words, the words just come cleanly and easily.

How easy spoken word is varies. Sometimes, I find myself delayed so much I can't say what I need to meaningfully. Sometimes, words won't form in my mouth, no matter what I do. Usually, I'm aware of how little I'm saying compared to what I'm thinking, and unable to find ways to add more.

But in these times, thoughts translate easily, and spoken word is no harder than typed. In these times, speech isn't limited to the small percentage of what makes it through multiple layers of nets, catching thoughts struggling to get through, but too complex for what words are willing to share.

These times I have a thought, and a need to share it. Maybe a statement about how my day has been. Maybe something interesting I have read.

And when I share it the floodgates open. The words are easy; the thoughts flow! So many ideas, so many words, so many things I want to say! One thing leads to another, and another, and another! They all combine to a great story of how things are.

The words keep coming. So I keep sharing. I lose track of time. And these are things I want you to know!

Until, its been too long, and its bothering you. You're making that clear. And I'm not being able to shut it off.

I stop, and I feel this overwhelming pressure. Just one more thing. It's important! And after giving in a few times, I resolve to stop giving in, so as to be good to you.

Wrongness imbues my body. Pressure from my bones to my skin. My body doesn't like this idea.

A fight, breaking out inside me. Self-control is a struggle against an overwhelming feeling of wrong. I cry out in the pain my body is causing to itself. There's a monster in my body and it's me.

Eventually it calms. I retreat to my safe spot. The words lost again, I'm hidden away under my blanket. Quiet has fallen.