my speech is still not behavior

There is a pain in the comfort

of silence

of forced waiting

of being able to think clearly

of being able to know who I am

because I know it never can last

There is a pain in the comfort of trying and failing and that being okay

because I never can try 

never

never

never

it's always just a lie

there is a pain

a pain

a pain

a pain

a true literal migraine

in the exhaustion 

no

the lack of exhaustion

of being able to say this

because usually I can't

because usually you are too worried about what I say and how I say it and if I say the right words

and it doesn't matter how much anyone says

i 

can't

fight

that

because there is a child in me who doesn't know anything else

there is me not knowing if i want to cry

or if there's me having so much less overwhelm that i can manage without a meltdown

because it doesn't matter that people aren't understanding my body

when they don't listen to my words anyways

so maybe let words at least be something i can control

rather than something so out of control that i don't understand that either

in a spiraling cacophony that is the world

and my body

and my mind

and everything in it

and nobody bothering to care

when you aren't going to listen why does it bother how i say the words

shouldn't i at least get to say the words i want

oh, no

sorry

it only matters how i say them not what i say

there is a pain

because

no matter

how

many 

times

i know

that i can live like this

and understand myself

it will never last

it only takes one little drop

because even now, years later

i will never

actually

truly have control

of my own words