Schools don't actually teach everyone.

We talk about numbers. Statistics. Policies. And too often, these numbers get ignored, it being forgotten or ignored that these are people lives.

Still, here are some more numbers.

I worked in a school which split students into different types of classes. There were the honors classes, the "normal" classes, and the "you need some extra help" classes. Along side these there were segregated autism only classes, and "it's not worth teaching you academics, lets only work on life skills" classes. But back to the standard three.

Teachers would tell everyone how unless you're in the honors classes, there's no way you could possibly go to college. They'd tell the students in the honors classes how maybe half them would graduate college. It wasn't worth trying to go to a good school, because they'd just get a lot of debt and probably fail out anyways.

You were not allowed to have an aide helping you as indicated on your IEP in an honors class. You could choose to have the class rather than the accommodation, but it was a choice. You could not do both.

And notably in a school with over 60% of the students in poverty - they were distinctly lacking in these classes. In a school where over 65% of the students are PoC, in the honors classes I worked in about over 80% of the students were white. Honors classes were for the middle-class white kids who would then go to college and then continue the standard expected life in our society.

Next, the standard, "normal", classes. These classes were about 50/50 white/PoC. Teachers would regularly tell students how much they were annoyed at them or they would never amount to anything. They were taught only via memorization, and only what was on standardized tests. The goal was graduation.

In the classes they set up for those who 'need extra help', they simply didn't teach. How to find the area of a square. Well you write down this formula, and then you copy this number written at this place in the picture into this spot, and then you type that into your calculator, now lets practice doing that and only that for the next 3 weeks, because none of you are good at math so you don't know how to do anything, I'll tell you many times how much you aren't good at math of course. That was an actual lesson. One of them which wasn't simply incorrect. Many of the lessons I saw were factually wrong.

These were the students who'd gotten into high school without anyone having bothered to try to teach them to add. It was always "of course you can't do that". In a large enough to pay attention to number of their cases, they hadn't been shown a calculator.

These were also students where, out of 30, one was white.

And students where, the discussions they had during class were topics like "how do you find a job so you can support your family". Or they were working two jobs and that's why they were missing school.

But they weren't deemed worth teaching.

Some of them I know I helped and that's not nearly enough. The system is broken. Not one class. Not one school. The system is broken.

False Dichotomy

It's a false choice, I'm given. Or a real choice, but false accessibility.

A choice, pushing as much guilt onto me as possible. Trying to push responsibility onto me. Trying to force yourselves not to be accountable for any of your actions.

A false set-up. Making it so that thing can be okay for me or those I care about. Never both. And I have to choose.

That's what the people who are supposed to help us do. That's a situation I've been put in so many times I don't even think twice about it happening. Things being acceptable for me necessarily hurts others. If I'm safe, others fail. If I'm stable, others are are abused. If I'm given a chance to be healthy, then others aren't given a chance at a high-school education.

I'm given the choice. Myself or them. This false dichotomy. This "but we can't have a disabled person teach". This "but there's no way we could accommodate you". This it's My Fault if I say there are things I can't do for my own safety, but it's not anyone else's if they won't support me in ways they're required to do.

But you know what?

They're wrong. And this choice is wrong.

It's wrong because they're wrong in putting me in this situation. And it's wrong because we break it, beating them at their game of trying to force me out.

Instead my students do everything they can to accommodate me.

The adults treat scented products as more important than my presence in a room. They ignore me, insult me, and expect me to be someone I'm not.

But my students, they pay attention, and choose to help. They've recognize that my needs aren't always the same, and go so far as learn to recognize my external signs of when I might need help. I've gotten questions of what helps, and changes to the classroom based on what they know helps them in order to try to make it easier on me. Help with sensory, and executive functioning, and physical, and emotional have just been given out, as if they're not accommodations, they're the basics of how to interact, person to person.

This me or them? This is a false dichotomy. That I have to give myself up for them, or to let them fail.

This is children doing the jobs of those who are paid to help people like me.

Disabled people supporting disabled people, while we're not simply failed, but obstructed and damaged, by those who claim to help.

Kids notice things

Kids notice things.

I was trying to figure out how to write this, and it really starts with that. Kids notice what's going on. Kids notice how you treat them. Kids notice how you treat us, and you can't claim that somehow you're making a good environment for them, when you're not providing a good environment for us.

Because they notice. And that matters.

Do you really think that disabled students don't notice that disabled adults aren't hired in their schools?

Do you really think that disabled students don't notice that the few times that we are hired our accommodations are a fight? Or that we aren't treated the same way as our peers?

Do you really think that you can claim that anywhere is inclusive, or accepting of your students, when not being inclusive or accepting of who they would be when they grow up?

Are we not good enough? While you keep telling them how can do anything! How they will be able to get any job they want! How their disability won't hold them back! But, you're telling them this when you wouldn't be willing to hire them. You're not willing to hire those of us like them. You're not willing to make it accessible for the few you might hire.

Do you think they don't notice? That you won't let someone like them nearby? Only allowing the "normal" the "good" the "acceptable" people. The people who are how you wish they would be, not how they are.

What's it like to spend so long not seeing anyone like you?
(How many groups have to ask that question, and yet, still people don't seem to be willing to learn.)

What's it like to be isolated, learning you're wrong, even if it's not explicitly taught, because you know you're different, you see you're different. And difference is repeated to be wrong.

Do you really think that kids don't notice, because they're kids?

Or is it just that you don't care.

I don't work in special ed

I don't work in special ed.
I work in education, yes.
I work with disabled children yes.
But I don't work in special ed.

I don't "special teach", I teach.

These aren't "special children", they're children.

There is nothing special about what I do besides the fact that I am actually recognizing the humanity in people and working with them despite what everything around me tells me I'm supposed to do. And their shouldn't be anything special about that.

Because they aren't special others who need some label of differing.

They're people who need it acknowledged that they are disabled. And accommodations rather than methods teaching them to be a way they aren't. And people who will treat them as human rather than subhuman "special" beings.

So, I don't work in any sort of special education, any sort of education which will other their students by it's own name. That's not what I do.

I work with disabled children. I work in education. I work with autistic students.
And that difference in language matters.

The student you have; the person they are

When you put someone in a classroom and don't pay attention to who they are and their needs, you aren't including them, you're erasing them. This is not to say that you should separate; it isn't to say that "separate but equal", is superior. Separation, segregation, refusal to teach some students while you teach others, causes an enormous number of problems. But, taking someone and sticking them in a classroom and ignoring who they are ignores their existence. It causes problems, while only solving some of the problems of access.

It causes people to break, as they become pushed, further and further, through the inconveniences of their existence, aware of the "problems" they cause to others. It causes people to fail, lacking assumed background, assumed cultural reference points, assumed ways of being; because "everyone knows those things", even when "everyone" means "people like me".

When ignoring the students you have, rather than the students you want, the students you expect, or the student you were, you're preventing these kids from getting educated. You're denying education, just as if you'd denied them entrance to the classroom. You're allowing them to be there, but denying them the ability to access the material. Refusal to acknowledge differing needs, differing backgrounds, differing experiences, means refusal to allow these students the possibility of getting the same education the students you expected are being provided.

Instead, we must recognize the differences in our students. And we must do better than recognize these differences, we must do better than praise ourselves for allowing students to enter our classrooms when they are different. We must do better than praise ourselves for being "aware" of these differences.

We must recognize the differences in our students - and what these differences mean. We must take these into account, and interact with people how people should be interacted with. We must respect people, listen, and not assume that there is only one way to approach any given situation. We must challenge ourselves to do better.

Because, when we only teach one way, we aren't helping any student. We're not approaching education as a way to teach individuals; we're approaching it as a way to spread a message. Kids get hurt. Those who are already at a higher risk get hurt more, as they're already farther from the "average student" the lessons are built for. And the more people learn that they aren't learning in school, the more they don't learn in school.

No, we need to do better than that.

We need to listen, and learn, and teach, and pay attention to the kids we have. The kids that are there. Their baggage and silly behaviors; their backgrounds and methods of thought. Whoever it is that shows up, that's who we have, and that's who we teach.

I am proud

I am proud. Not because of thinking I'm better than you, but because I've seen what some of us have gone through.

I've seen the struggles of autistic people because of being autistic, fighting not themselves, not their bodies, but the world, and society, and winning. Making progress, making it better and doing it despite the fact that society is telling them they can't.

So I have to be proud for them. They're doing drastic things, hard things.

I only really became part of the community four years ago, and in these four years, I've seen changes happening. I've seen progress being made, things getting better. And it's not getting better because of time; it's getting better because of lots of hard work by autistic people fighting in many cases even when their disability would "get in the way". It's people going out in situations where they are facing sensory overload in order to talk to people about changing laws. It's people finding ways to be listened to when their voices are being denied because they're computerized voices. It's people doing thing, even when it's hard. And it's progress happening.

We need to be proud of how much has happened. And of what people have done.

And yet, we need to think of those who are being denied these chances. We need to think of those who are hiding who they are, being told they're someone else. We need to help them.

We need to be able to be proud of who we are just for who we are. We need to say "I can be me, I am me". Because not everyone can say that yet.

We need to show them we can and see what we can do to make their lives easier. Whether that just means living openly, speaking out, or seeing what we can do in our own small fields, we need to help make it better for everyone else.

I need to look at the children being told in schools they can't stim. The children having their hands held down. The children being told they need to look people in the eyes and that eye contact is more important than learning academic material.

I need to speak up for them; work on changing academic environments, and do what I can to work with them, stimming, and just speaking to individuals, showing, that I'm an effective adult who's gone to college, and yet, is visibly autistic while I'm working with them. That hiding my symptoms isn't what makes me "functional"; that being able to teach children is far more "functional" than "I can look you in the eyes".

I need to show the children that it's okay to be me, so that they can be less afraid growing up of being who they are. If just speaking out to them about who I am, changes the lives of those near me. I need to do it, loudly, proudly, because they aren't ready yet to be like I am.

I need to work on changing the world in my own way. So that we don't need to say "I am proud" just for being who I am.

But we're not there yet. So, right now. Yes, I am proud to be autistic.

"I am hated"

Do the teachers really think that saying "no, people don't hate autism" will make it that way when a child is aware enough of the world to make such a statement? Or is it that they simply have the ability to deny the fear and hatred pointed towards us -the people they choose to work with.

Do they think that sheltering people from the horrors of reality is more important than letting people learn how to face what will inevitably haunt them? Or do they pretend those horrors aren't there, refusing to learn the experiences of those they teach?

Where can hatred be hidden, such that even those who spend a large portion of their lives with us, cannot see it? How can it be that people are unable to see, refusal of who we are, telling us how hurtful we are, telling us how we are not worth anything?

And yet they do it. Those who want to help, don't see us either, they don't see our pain, deny our experiences, and apply therapies without thinking of whether or not they will hurt more than they help.

Are they aware of what happens to us? They have to not be, but how can they not? Where are our voices, being drowned out in the crowds? And why does it take our voices screaming out for someone to stop and listen?

If a child says "people like me are hated" I would think you would listen, but we're downgraded, not taken as authorities on ourselves. And sometimes it feels like being a professional is what makes me listened to, not being an autistic adult.

Still, I'll take it if its what I get. And I'll explain, no, there is hatred. And explain that it is because of false assumptions, misinformation, and lack of knowledge. If people stop and hear my words? Then their hatred reduces, their fear reduces.

So, do not deny my reality, or his reality. Do not teach that the world is a safe place when it is not. And at the same time know, that people will learn, they just need to be taught, because what is out there about us now is toxic.

Success

I sit at a table, working playing a game with students. Next to me a conversation goes on, which I desperately want to join into, and can't, because I'm working with their classmates. Instead, I busy myself listening, enjoying what I hear. Twelve and thirteen year olds discussing neurodiversity and what it means to be autistic. Preteens and teens discussing their own way of being - my way of being - and the idea of acceptance.

Another time, I sit at the same table, and a student fights within himself - overwhelmed by the noises of the classroom, but afraid of acknowledging his impairments. I'm there with him, sharing his disorder, but already accepting my own, and someone who he views as someone worth looking up to. I am open about my ear muffs in my backpack, and about how much more noise it would take for me to go through the effort of pulling them out even buried so deep. That day self-care and self-acceptance wins, because of acceptance of me, and he gets his own ear muffs to protect himself from the sensory onslaught he was feeling.

Teachers requesting where I got my neurodiversity t-shirt, aides asking about the problems of stim suppression, people turning to me as someone knowledgeable about autism and asking me questions. Most importantly, students treating me as a mentor rather than any other sort of adult.

Success - that is what I get. I make a difference in people's lives, because of my autism, and because I know who I am. I am not afraid, I know I'm impaired, I accept the word "disability", and what I get for it, is my success.

Everyone's success is their own. No two people do the same thing, no two people share the same traits, disabled or not, autistic or not. No two people share the exact same goals. What I manage though, is managing to show people that they are worthy, by showing them myself. I manage to show them how to accept themselves, by showing them that it isn't a scary place of lesser being and inability, it is a place of acknowledgement of impairments, and a place of finding themselves and their own goals. I manage to show them the worth of everyone, slowly, by showing them that impairments don't define the worth of a person, even when they begin afraid of impairments doing so.

My success is helping people through that process, speeding it up, making it not one to be afraid of. My success is making other adults start to see bits and pieces, and what that might mean in education. My success is taking being myself and spreading the idea that you shouldn't be afraid of someone like me, and it working. My success is seeing steps, someone asking me for help for more ways to take care of themselves, someone talking more openly about who they are, someone turning and talking to others about how autism isn't a bad thing.

These aren't things I could do without being autistic. I use my autism productively, because it is who I am. I need to help and share. I need to make people see the beauty of math, see that I'm not a horrible person because I am autistic, need to make people see how much they are, no matter their impairments. I need to take my self-acceptance and project it onto others, until they accept me too, until they accept themselves too, until things become better.

Because in too many cases the children are sitting their not understanding who they are, because nobody tells them. The parents fear because nobody tells them. The people around haven't heard any words about autism besides "autism speaks". There isn't any ideas of what or who we are, except the idea of fear. I am not afraid of who I am, I see no reason to fear me, even if sometimes I need a little help.

So, I want to take this, and tell people. Take this and go to the children, and instead of the therapy, just play games working on math skills and while doing that talk to them as a peer and mentor. Letting them know who I am, being open about my diagnosis, being open about my impairments and about what I do because of them. Answering questions about how I cope, and about what my quirks are. Tricking them into learning skills that I think are necessary to learn, and I think will help them, focusing on problem solving skills, and critical thinking skills, and various types of reasoning.

And that's what I do, I share, I teach, I show people and they get to know too. They get to see too the beauty, they get to see too, who they really are - someone who isn't to be feared.

Internalized Ableism

"I'm not disabled" a student of mine says, complaining to a teacher about how her peers were saying she was. "I know" is the basic reply of the teacher, telling her about what she can do, yet ignoring the fact that yes, she is disabled. That most of the people I work with are. That me, the person who is most praised in the school for my math ability, is disabled.

She calms down, but the way it is done, is by removing this, and later on, with others, she talks about when she goes to college, she will refuse to show them her IEP, refuse to ask for or accept any accommodations. She only wants to be normal. She doesn't want to be seen as different, doesn't want to see herself as different. She repeats, again and again how she isn't different at all, is normal. She's normal. She insists.

She must have forgotten that the person she was speaking to was disabled. I am open about my disability. The students talk to me about my autism and my migraines. I tell the other adults things about myself to advocate for the students, because sometimes its the best way I have. But now, there was a student telling me, how that wasn't her. Telling someone who accepts this part of herself how it is being rejected.

Everyone else was helping her reject it. The kids were teasing her for being disabled. The adults, reassuring her how normal she was, and saying how she wasn't disabled. Both weren't letting her have it be part of her, and weren't letting her have what she needed.

So instead, I ended up sitting down with her, explaining why she should get accommodations. I explained how they wouldn't make her a bad person. I explained why they wouldn't be her taking advantage of the school. I explained how what they were was instead helping match her education to her. And to help her, I truthfully said that I think everyone should have individualized education, not only disabled people.

We started going through what some accommodations would be that would help her in higher education, rather than limiting it to her IEP, when she goes to college, what are things that are appropriate for her to think about asking for (such as exams in rooms with small groups instead of large lecture halls)? And at the same time, what are things she can do to better her own education on her own (such as recording audio of all lectures on her phone). And slowly, the accommodations became part of her, they weren't something being done to her, someone claiming she needed things she didn't want because she wasn't good enough, they were something that she was controlling, strengthening herself.

Rather than an IEP being something that was people saying "you can't do things the normal way" like she had been taking it as, no matter how the teachers were actually speaking to her, her internalized ableism wasn't as strong, she could view herself as being able to use accommodations. The word "disability" applied to her didn't have as much a strength when it came to how insulted she felt.

Internalized ableism can affect people a lot. I've seen large amounts of self-hatred because of people hating their disability. I've seen large amounts of people refusing to admit they are disabled, because they don't want a "bad" thing associated with them. People refuse accommodations, refuse to do things that might make them look odd, refuse to do things associated with their disorder because they want to see themselves as normal - even when it is at the cost of being more symptomatic.

Actually using tools when they help is powerful. Actually using the accommodations you can can be the difference between managing and not. These can be challenging to do, because we're so used to being told not to, to not being able to, to having to fight to look normal. Sometimes, the first fight, or even biggest one, is against is ourselves.