Thursday, May 29, 2014

I don't want to be an activist

I don't want to be an activist. I don't want to go, and talk about how people like me deserve to be treated better, and point out how badly we're treated. I don't want to worry that writing about these topics will make me more aware of the problems in the world, when I'd been able to previously been blissfully ignorant, causing me to have to deal with the awareness of people mistreating me so frequently, when before I could overlook it because I was just so naive.

I don't want to spend my time writing about what's wrong with the world, reinforcing that things are bad.

I also, more importantly, don't want to have to do this. I don't want to be mistreated, and don't want to have to watch people struggling for existing, and don't want people to not be able to manage to do what they want just because people aren't accepting of what people are like.

I want to not have to write, and remember the bad times. I want them to be so infrequent that its not important to do this. But, if I don't talk about the bad times, then people aren't aware of them, not living them, and I don't want to need to keep living them, and I don't want others to have to keep living them either.

I don't want to need to say that I deserve things too. I don't want to need to say that I'm not just a failure. I don't want to struggle and be punished.

But, those happen, so instead, I have to do this. I have to say, no, please stop. Let me live my life as me, instead of as who you want me to be.

Sometimes, not wanting, doesn't really matter, you're not given a choice in the matter, because what I want to do is live as an autistic person, not a shell of someone who doesn't matter to anyone.

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