Tuesday, June 16, 2015

My voice not responding

I'm afraid
I sit here, my voice not responding, knowing I'm at work
Knowing that I have the choice
Attempt to continue
Or take care of myself

Yet taking care of myself won't make a difference
I'll still be in pain
There's not even a way to sleep
I have to push on either way

So why not, step up
Pick up a my cane
Push up, hold myself up, wobbling
But stepping
One step
Two step
Step by step, until I make it down the hall

Why not go on to the next class, no matter my pain?
No matter my balance issues
My senses throwing abnormal information
My nausea
And fighting to stay awake
No matter what ever is happening today
Why not?

I'm afraid
As I sit here, my voice not responding
People walking in, trying to speak to me, and me not being able to reply

Staring down at my phone, looking at my app, knowing its usefulness
And knowing here, I'm already disbelieved, looked down on, and supposed to be a "professional adult"

I have my solution
I can go, I can type, I like my app
But, will they respect me if I do?

Will I be treated as a person?
Will my knowledge be ignored?
Will what I've accomplished already be discarded because of my disability?

Is acknowledging who I am
Allowing myself to show
And allowing myself to take care of myself
Professionally safe?

I don't know.

I sit, not replying
Not knowing whether or not to click the saved phrase
Saying to those speaking to me "I have a migraine"

Until eventually I decide to go to class
And there, sit, not speaking
And not saying anything with my phone.

I feel like I did something wrong.

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