Thursday, October 8, 2015

Getting used to it

"They have to get used to it"

Whether it is the touch, or being "okay" with someone doing something they don't want sometimes is hard to tell. These words are repeated; it doesn't matter how many times, or ways, a child says no, you still should put your hands on them.

"It doesn't really hurt anyone"

It doesn't matter as you grow older, you are still told, "you can't really say no", and even "your experiences are wrong. You are wrong. You don't really have a reason for thinking that, for saying that."


Both of these things are things I've been told recently. I've been told touch doesn't hurt. I've been told that people just need to get used to touch. I've been told that it doesn't matter if people say no, you should still put a hand on their arm. I've been told it doesn't matter if I say no, stop touching me.

I wonder if people are even thinking about what they're saying; if they're even aware of the implications of their words and actions, or if they are just blissfully ignorant. They must be ignorant it seems, people wouldn't take away that much autonomy, would they? Would people knowingly say "you aren't allowed to say no" or "someone touching you in case you are touched later is more important than your ability to choose what is done to your own body"?

How do people have these thoughts- where the ability to say no, the ability to choose what is happening to yourself, the ability to decide whether or not someone else is in your body's space - is less important than something someone else chooses - someone who's body it is not.

How are these things justified? "They have to get used to it"? As if someone is not capable of saying to keep hands away from their body as they get older. "It doesn't really hurt"? As if someone who is disabled is incapable of identifying their body's own sensations.

Getting used to it.

Getting used to doing what others tell us to do. Getting used to hearing "no, your experiences are a lie". Getting used to being told what to do by others, because they have power over us. Getting used to our senses not being paid attention to, even when it involves getting physically into our space, touching us, pushing us around.

Getting used to it.

Being afraid to speak up. Being afraid to say when there's a problem, because you've always been told that you're wrong, that your feelings are wrong, that your body is wrong. Getting used to it. Not knowing how to say something, or when to say something. It's always wrong you know. You're always wrong.

Getting used to it. Because it's never your choice. It's only the choice of the others.

7 comments:

  1. I understand that you and others might not want to use the option of putting your assailant under citizen's arrest for assault and battery. But I might want to use that option. Assuming I have at least two or three witnesses who say they won't lie under oath to protect the assailant, under what circumstances should I consider *not* putting someone under citizen's arrest? In addition to the legal requirement of having enough evidence to win a lawsuit for false arrest, and potential legal ramifications of using force to help someone else perform a citizen's arrest (any lawyers reading this?), I'm also interested in nonlegal considerations.

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    Replies
    1. Our assailants are often our parents, guardians, caregivers, staff, and teachers. Sometimes this is in a situation where we legally don't exist, and our assailant has all of our legal rights. So Citizen's arrest? would be marked as a behavior, and increase the power our assailants have over us.

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    2. That's awful. It's practically a life sentence to daily torture.

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  2. I'm not sure I understand the context of this post, but I do understand unwanted touching. I thoroughly dislike my personal space being invaded without my consent or any indication that might be okay. If someone wants to shake my hand, for example, and they are outside a social grouping where it has already been established that is okay and welcome, they should offer their hand to me. Not just reach in and grasp mine.

    I enjoy touch. For example there are few better feelings for me than the casual social touching of a lover - holding hands, an arm around me and vice versa, hugs, etc.

    But no one should ever believe they have the right to touch me out of the blue. It is unwanted, disagreeable, and sure to give me an instant negative opinion of you.

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  3. I am new to the experience of having a child on the autism spectrum. I don't understand a lot of what she is going through. She is almost 4. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed and turtles, I try and decode what sent her into her she'll and remove whatever it was that triggered her to hide. If I can't, I try to remove her to somewhere safe, quiet, dark, away from "it all". It is a learning process for the whole family. In my daughter is see reflections of things I did as a child, having difficulty with different experiences and being told I was different, FEELING like I didn't belong and not knowing why. But I think it gives me the ability to relate to her better. She isn't less, she isn't broken, and she does not need to be fixed or cured. She needs the same things everyone needs, to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted for who she is. My daughter is perfect and special and whole and experiences the world in a unique way that I hope I can at least understand enough to help her cope with the unforgiving fast paced society that she is a part of.

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  4. I am new to the experience of having a child on the autism spectrum. I don't understand a lot of what she is going through. She is almost 4. Sometimes she gets overwhelmed and turtles, I try and decode what sent her into her she'll and remove whatever it was that triggered her to hide. If I can't, I try to remove her to somewhere safe, quiet, dark, away from "it all". It is a learning process for the whole family. In my daughter is see reflections of things I did as a child, having difficulty with different experiences and being told I was different, FEELING like I didn't belong and not knowing why. But I think it gives me the ability to relate to her better. She isn't less, she isn't broken, and she does not need to be fixed or cured. She needs the same things everyone needs, to be understood, to be loved, to be accepted for who she is. My daughter is perfect and special and whole and experiences the world in a unique way that I hope I can at least understand enough to help her cope with the unforgiving fast paced society that she is a part of.

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  5. As a parent, I have to teach my 5 y/0 child to "get used to" being touched. Why? I know it hurts her. I know on a very personal level as it is the same for me to some degree.

    Not because I deny her experience but because of the reality of the world we live in. If she goes onto a subway she will get bumped. She simply cannot dissolve in tears and become debilitated because she was innocently bumped as an adult one day on her way to a job interview. Frankly, if you go anywhere in public you will get bumped, jostled, brushed against, or otherwise "touched." I cannot tell you how many times she dissolves into outraged tears because so and so hurt her and the touch was both accidental and incidental. The reaction is not to scale with the perceived (by others) injustice. But I am constantly teaching her that she has to get used to it. Because she does if she wants to live in our world and not a bubble.


    She wants to play soccer. I have explained that a part of soccer is getting bumped into and hit with a ball at times. I have explained that she has a choice... she can either not play or has to get used to the bumping, kicking, and hitting that is an inherent part of sports. I don't deny her experience but explain that sometimes you can't separate the touching from the experience. Therefore she has to choose.

    I have to teach her that although it hurts her, she will have to choose to get used to it, or not participate in much of the greater world.

    At the same time, while I am trying to teach her to get used to accidental touching, I am also careful to teach her something even more important... that she has a right to say no to purposeful touching.

    When I say, "gimme a hug!" I always add, "But only if you want to." Because even though she needs to get used to this incidental and accidental touching, she also is entitled to her own autonomy and agency.

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