I look away

They tell you to look me in the eyes. I look away. I won't let you do it. I won't let you look into my eyes while answering my question, even if they think that looking into my eyes means you are paying attention to me.

I can't do that. I can't let you. My eyes are too personal, too mine. Real eye contact means too much and fake eye contact takes too much energy to spend on such an activity rather than what matters. Yes, I fake it for people, no I will not like this. Not when you are right in front of me. Not when it's so forced, not when it takes so much concentration. No, now I look away. I must for me.

And again, I can't do that. I can't let them do that to you. I can't let the view of normality be more important than your comfort. I can't let them force you when I know how uncomfortable eye contact is. I can't let someone say that looking in eyes is necessary to be listening when really, I know that isn't the case, and that it's just as likely, or really more likely, harder to listen and harder to think of you make eye contact. I can't let it be that looking normal is more important than being better, learning more, and actually managing to do things you otherwise wouldn't be able to do (in your own personal way). So I look away.

I have to look away, it's the only thing to do. Because sometimes, no matter how much they want to help they don't understand; and sometimes the action of an adult might make a point that the little things aren't what matter; and sometimes people are so busy thinking about their world that they don't see what it's like to be us.

So instead, I don't let myself get hurt. And at the same time, I hope that it helps you a little even if you are too young to understand now.