they didn't have to touch me either

content warning: abuse in k-12 schools of both students and staff, restraint and seclusion, references to suicidal children, dehumanization

I'll say they didn't have to touch you. But they didn't have to touch me either.

I'll tell people about the nightmares I have about not being there anymore. I won't tell anyone about the nightmares of did I stay too long.

Because that's what they do to you, to me, to all of us.

When I say you are hurt and broken and working in a system where you have to hurt people and have to hurt yourself.

It feels like people still.
Still.
Underestimate and misunderstand and refuse to believe the control and abuse and brainwashing techniques applied to the adults.

It's terrifying.

They didn't need to touch you. I knew that. I knew that. I knew that. I lived that.

They also didn't have to touch you because there was just plain no reason for restraints.
Not the controlling without touch.
But the grabbing and pulling and deciding to go from restraints to the seclusion closet.

For daring to exist.

Didn't matter that what was officially signed permission was restraints and seclusion was only for when it was necessary for safety.
They'd do it whenever they wanted.

They didn't have to touch me because they'd touch you.

I haven't written this post because I don't know how to get down this horror. No matter how much I've tried. No matter how much it's been there in my head years and years and years later.

There's children restrained for crying. For not completing their work fast enough. For asking questions.

And still. Some of these restraints that replay in my head have even less justification than those. Even less than asking for help. Even less than the putting going to the bathroom on an ABA plan preventing someone from peeing when they need to.

All those are horrors I could talk about if I could ever find the words.

But a child grabbed and put into a restraint just for being there is something else beyond those horrors in a way I don't have the words even for myself.

Because when the reason for a restraint is
They don't have to touch me.
They just grab the child instead.

That's

There were so many examples of non required restraints.
And so many examples of non required restraints done in front of me in ways where they were adding blame to me. If you only did things properly then this wouldn't have happened.

But the ones where they didn't even have another fake justification.
The ones where it was paired with talking at me directly about the ways that I was causing harm.
The ones they'd talk about at lunch just to make it be there in front of me. While I didn't otherwise exist of course.

Those are some kind of horror that I don't know how to mention.

Restraints and seclusion is in general really. I don't mention it much because I don't know how to make it something that hurts that much that breaks that much where what it is matches reality.

I wasn't the kid being restrained for crying and I shouldn't be centered in these conversations. But I don't know how to say as someone who isn't centered but is affected what this is like even for me.

And I so so so. Don't know how to get anyone who hasn't lived it to understand that they knew they didn't have to touch me. They had permission to touch the children.

They didn't like what I was doing that would be taken out on the children.

I'll say I had permission to do whatever I wanted. And I did. And I bent so many of their rules so far. And I was the only one I know of in some of the schools I worked at to never participate in a restraint.

But that came with not just the door being slammed in my face so directly it actively injured my arms. It came with children being restrained for daring to show they liked me being there.

Can I actually say I never participated in a restraint when the only reason for the restraining was because of trying to control my actions.

If I wasn't there this wouldn't have happened. Was me being there actually helpful at all. Because there was so many ways they'd hurt people to get to me.

I don't regret being there and I can't. I was able to say that being there was more beneficial than harm to the children by having them directly tell me that. Sometimes with details of how many suicide attempts they've made because of the way the schools will treat them.

I do have the nightmares of whether or not those people survived after I was suddenly gone when my being there was related one of the ways they were surviving.

But I also still have the nightmares of but what if that was wrong. What if I did cause more harm by staying. What if the ways they were trying to control me meant children were abused in ways they wouldn't have been.

I tell myself I know they would have been anyways. With the restraint for crying it's not a huge step. I caused harm by being there. But that doesn't mean it was harm that outweighed all the benefits the children directly told me were more valuable.

I can't believe it.

I hurt and miss schools and want to be back.
I'm convinced my presence will destroy people because that's what has been done.

You can't have someone that moves like you. Have to destroy the world before something like that happens.

I was there and did do these things to make a difference and do know the names of people who told me they survived because of me.

And I can't tell anyone ever to do this, not only because it destroys you, because it does. But because you have to be able to help these children being destroyed in your name.

When you're the one they go to for support after getting out of seclusion. And they were only thrown in there for daring to suggest that they were looking forward to your class later that day.

It's compartmentalization all the way down to survive.

I'm broken but nobody who wasn't could have done my job. Not only because it breaks you. Not only because they go out of their way to destroy you. But because you have to be in order to actually be there for the children when taking all that abuse upon yourself with some of what they did.

I will say I threw myself between the children and what would be done to them in order to reduce it. And I did. And that's not healthy or safe or sustainable even by someone who is Oops! All compartmentalization.

Not only because they would respond with escalation.

I could prevent a lot. But not everything. And they would escalate that "not everything". That's where the restraint and seclusion just for daring to show they were happy I existed came in.

At first it was just the restraining for crying or for talking back.

But to control me it escalated.

Didn't need to touch me. Got these children who aren't human enough to matter can do whatever we want to them.

It hurts it hurts it hurts still how much is my fault when was the right time to leave what was the right balance for minimizing harm what am I supposed to do what was I supposed to do how wrong did I get it when I was trying to do the best I could with limited data

If I wasn't there I couldn't be someone who actually believes that they are human in their presence.
If I wasn't there I couldn't just plain be a person with people being disabled people together.
If I wasn't there they'd not be able to use me as a weapon.

I still don't know if I made the right call any of those moments about when to stay and when to leave

I don't think I can ever know

I will always blame myself for some of these moments
I'll always blame others for how much those moments were unnecessary

I'll never get over being used as a reward which people could earn via their ABA plan And the way they were so so proud of thinking of that and acting like it was the best call ever and the way I was struggling with not showing emotions at being told how much I should be happy and excited at such a decision being made!

I'll never be able to get over the ways that I wasn't a person and they made that so very clear but I had enough power that the ways to get to me were the children who were no better than objects in their eyes.

I don't ever know whether or not to share those stories. Because it feels like people don't get it at all.

The if you just did your job properly this wouldn't be happening.

The seeing children kicked out of the school and told they were too dangerous and needed to go to a behavioral school for meltdowns that were purposely triggered by staff grabbing and throwing around someone who had been working with me despite struggling with big emotions.

The children being taught they were inherently abusive because they wanted to go to your class. But they didn't earn it according to their ABA plan because they hadn't done their work fast enough because it was material they were struggling with. Gotta instead spend the hour instilling into their brain how they're abusive.

The trying to give these students a chance.

The weight you can't explain when you find out even one of the people who had been asking for so much help trying to manage to get out got out of the system and had moved to the city, got an apartment, and was in college.

Because every one person is one where it's a repeated question of was it better for me to be there for how long.

Because they break you like that.

Because every single choice hurts. Including choosing not to talk back this time.

They break you like that.
Without ever putting a hand on you.

They didn't need to touch the students either really. To do this but it's your fault. The students just weren't people enough to have that ever even considered.

They didn't ever need to touch me.
Because they hurt you instead.

And I can never get over that.