The cost of logic

This was discussed the other day with my counselor, and I realized, its probably something that people don't know as much about.

Sometimes, there are specific triggers, that hit my mind, and I lose the ability to process. This makes sense. It breaks my ability to process, because instead there's this other stuff taking over.

But, in particular, the idea of someone acting in a negative mood and telling me they're not, at the same time, breaks me. It takes all of what's going on in my head and crunches it up and says NO. And then I need to get as far away from people as possible.

Because, you see, what this is doing is saying that every bit of the things I've built up for how to understand people are WRONG. People are not trustworthy, and not only that, my brain's understanding of them isn't trustworthy. I can't trust my own sense of what's going on. Everything is wrong, and I can't understand it. I can't be near it until I have managed to sort it out, figure out what's true, and what's false, and piece it back together. Until people are people, and truth is truth, and lies are lies, and my sense of what's going on is trust worthy.

When I'm interacting with people, I'm not doing so intuitively. I'm analyzing it. I'm analyzing it all. So, when my analyzation has been broken, been told its wrong, I don't have intuition to fall back on. And that's what happens. The analyzing requires the ability to trust the analyzing. And when the analyzing has been told its its innately wrong, then how can I trust it? I need to reset it. To tell it, that no. It's correct.

And until that point, people are absolutely terrifying, because I have no sense of what they are doing, or why. Without my analyzing, I don't know what's going on, and without knowing, its scary. So I want to be as far away from people as I can. So I run, and I hide. Because they scare me because I don't know if they'll hurt me. I have no way to get reassurance they won't. Someone who is coming to hurt me, and someone who's coming to reassure me, and someone who's just being neutral are the same at that point. They're all to be avoided, to make sure to avoid the person who'd hurt me, whether they'd hurt me purposefully or by mistake.

And then, I rebuild, and I wait, until something else is too much. And it'll happen, because I can't just take everything. But when I break, its not just being frustrated, its more than that.