It's my body, my senses

It's my body. I know it best. You can't tell me how I feel, what I feel. You can't tell me what my experiences are.

You can't say "its not that bad" when you have no clue what it is like for me. Trying to tell me how I can't truly feel my body spinning out of control because of such small bits of movement. You can't tell me I'm making it up, seeking attention, not truly dealing with anything, because you can't understand.

It's my body. I know what its like. I feel my head spinning. I feel the nausea setting in. You might not understand, but my body, my experiences, tell me that this happens, and its mine to say what is happening to me.

Nor can you say "you don't seek things", just because you've actually recognized now that my senses might actually be hypersensitive! Just because I sense things strongly doesn't mean I cannot crave, even if you do not know what it is like to do either and are going from a book. I know what I do, and denying what I do to fit me into your picture denies reality.

It's my body. It's not yours. You aren't the one choosing what I am eating, how I am eating it; how I am moving; what happens through my skin. You aren't the one figuring out how to live in the world, by avoiding and seeking, sorting out and adapting, and eventually determining that there are labels for these things.

When I take ghost pepper extract and drop a drop on my tongue and then follow it up with peppermint oil - will you say I will not seek anything? Because you want me to fit your stereotypes? When I can't string words together until I sit in a swing, am I making it up?

No, it is my body, and I can tell you my perceptions. I might not have the best descriptions. I might not know all the proper words, but you can't tell me that things are not happening to me that are happening to me. I'm the one who gets to say what I perceive, even if you help put labels on what that means.

Snippets of trying to explain hypersensitivities

I've been trying to try to explain hypersensitivities (and SPD and sensory issues in general but usually its hypersensitivities), pretty frequently now. I've been ending up putting together snippets from explanations that I give to people trying to understand their children, thinking that they'd be good to share. I hope to repetitively do this, but have no clue if I'll actually do so. Also, this is good to refer back to either way.

The sound of nails on a chalkboard, the wrongness of it combined with some sort of pain, that penetrates deep into you, take that feeling, and extend it, take it so that it doesn't just happen with nails on a chalkboard, it doesn't just happen with sounds. It might happen if someone touches you, or if the wind blows wrong. It might happen when you get your nails clipped. It might happen when you hear certain voices, even ones that are popular singing voices.

Things are just so much you can't understand it. Lights so bright you can't see. Streetlights, the sun when its setting, headlights on low, they are so much light that that's all it is, is light. It's meaningless. Everything around is also meaningless. It becomes overwashed by light-light-light. That's all there is. Noises so loud you can't understand them. Even single noises become hard to identify at times. When they combine, multiple noises at the same time, you drown in a cacophany, whether its voices, sirens, or something as simple as a clock ticking.

You notice it all. The feeling of your clothes, all the little details down to the seam in your socks and how its not sitting straight, and how one shoe is tighter than the other shoe, the texture chair you're sitting on through your clothes. You hear the clock ticking, the fan, the cars outside, the voices in the room next door, the steps of people walking, and the creaking of the floor. There's the smells of each of the people, any perfumes, any smoke, what they washed with, as well as the smells of what the place was cleaned with. You notice it all. And then, after noticing it, it doesn't stop. You don't stop noticing it. Don't get used to it. At the end of the day you're still feeling your shoe, and how it is the wrong tightness. At the end of a meeting, you're still hearing the clock ticking, even if you've been trying to listen to someone talking the entire time. It's still all there. You don't habituate either.

There are thing's flying at you from all sides, and you're trying to catch enough to make sense of them. It's a bombardment. Except, everyone around you is denying its a bombardment, and frequently making it worse, after denying it. Eventually, you're hit too many times, and you can't keep catching them. You fall. You try to regroup, and get backup, but people are just telling you that its not happening still, while you're trying to get back together, even without their support. Meltdowns occur, shutdowns where you lose abilities to do things occur, but you just keep going, and people still don't listen.

Things actually hurt. They're not just "overfeeling", its actually to the point of pain. Sometimes its like the wrongness like I mentioned before, but sometimes, its more general. Sounds similar to getting punched, for example. Of course people deny you can even feel some of these things that cause pain because they can't feel them. But...that doesn't make them hurt any less.

A shower

The water turns on, and you wait for it to heat up while you do your exercises for your ankle. Counting 20 of them. That's how long it takes to get the water to warm, is twenty times onto your toes and back, and doing that helps with your ankle strength. Then you step in.

You were careful to bundle your hair first. That way your hair could stay as dry as possible. But without a good stream of water you have to be careful still. You don't want to let your hair get wet. Then you have to deal with it drying. So you are careful about where you stand, and where the shower head points trying to be as careful as possible.

Lots of little beads of water, hitting your skin. You feel every one of them. They're very uneven. You're very aware of every bit of how uneven the temperature of your skin is too. It's not comfortable. The shower pressure knob has fallen down again, and you turn it up. It's not as bad at full pressure, there are more little beads of water now. It's less uneven. It doesn't feel so wrong.

Even closed the shampoo bottles are noticeable, and the smell is getting to you, especially combined with the heat. If you turned the heat down, your entire body would be in pain, both in terms of muscles tensing into spasms, and in terms of the beads feeling like little knives cutting into your skin. So instead, you let your head rest against the side of the shower, as you become more light headed, the smell overtaking you, making you more and more nauseous and your head start to pound.

But, you need to get clean. So, you force yourself up, and put some of the body wash in your hand. This is another place you're careful, only getting the hypoallergenic stuff. Other things the smells stick around afterwards, and the feeling of the shower that lasts after is increased. But, you wash yourself, as quickly as you can, carefully holding yourself up. You need to be careful that you're fast, but at the same time, you need to be careful not to fall over with the nausea, lightheadedness, and vertigo, that has set in. Rinse. The pressure is more noticeable the longer you're in here. You need to get out, but if you're not clean the entire thing has been a waste. You're almost done. Make sure to get through it. Face, okay, clean your face. Because washing your face in the sink is even harder than this. Any water from the shower falling on your face feels like an attack, so carefully control it with your hands. Get your face wet, wash your face with something carefully unscented. Go to rinse, and accidentally put your face in the stream, it hurts, it feels like your eyes are being attacked. It's okay, it's okay. Make sure your hands are rinsed, and splash your face with your hands, over and over and over again. And after your are sure its clean of any of the soap-stuff another three time. Eyes still won't open because they don't trust it. Just carefully clear the eyes with water and your hands, show them its okay. Open your eyes. It's fine.

By this time you're wobbling, you don't trust yourself to stand. Are you clean yet? Finish quickly if not. Get out as fast as you can. Grab your robe and put it on. Trying to actively dry would be like ripping your skin off, so instead you have to make due with drying with a robe and time.

Go to walk upstairs, but now you've lost the ability to see. It's been too much. You managed to get out without jumping out in order to vomit this time. That's not always been the case. But that doesn't mean you got out without other...challenges? Okay, you want to get up to your bed, because you feel like you're going to vomit, you can barely understand what ground is, and now you can't see. So...feel around in front of you, you know your house. Find the railing to the stairs. Hold careful as you walk up the stairs. The railing changes most of the way up the stairs. Try to figure out how to deal, and just crawl the way up the stairs then. You make it. Get back up, and feel the way to your room. Find your bed, and fall onto it. Head pounding, you feel safe now.

You have somewhere you can just dry now. You can wait it out. You can let your head stop spinning, and stop pounding and go back to normal. You can let your stomach calm down. You can let your sight return to normal. Pull your blanket over you, despite the risk of it getting wet. Now, its just the time to get over all of this. Now its just recovery.

Vision comes back reasonably quickly. The others, take a while. If you try to rush drying then it feels like you're attacking yourself. If you try to get dressed before you're done drying, then your clothes don't stop attacking you even after you're done drying. But its better within the hour.

Except, there are still aftermaths. Your skin still feels wrong. It feels almost disconnected and overconnected at the same time. It feels too rough. Every touch that is made you feel for so long after its made that you don't even realize when its stops because it just keeps going and going and going. And its not pleasant touch, its that creepy crawly this is a bug crawling on your skin and its wrong, except multiplied. It's the feeling the bad part of tickling with out any of the parts that make you laugh, and it doesn't stop, it just keeps going and going and going, no matter what is touched. And then there's pain, pain from touching simple objects. Pain from touching something as simple as paper. Discomfort from touching the air. The only way to keep is under control at all is constant motion. Then those pains and discomforts and the creepy crawlies of every last hair, and cloth, and misguided object, and thing you bumped into, are overwhelmed to some degree.

Things aren't always easy. But, its what's needed.

The relationship between chronic pain and abnormal sensory processing

People don't often understand chronic pain - they think they do, they've dealt with pain, but generalizing from an ache and pain here or a headache there to pain being a constant part of your life, that it partially shapes your life. This pain isn't just there, its constantly there, and its not only constantly there, its what determines what life you're living.

The thing about this pain - this pain that is constantly there - or at least one thing, is that you can't stop for it. One of the privileges of not having chronic pain is the ability to stop because of pain, and it being the proper thing to do. When you don't have chronic pain, its not only acceptable, it is appropriate and right to stop when you've pushed yourself so far that you're hurting. It is wrong to keep going when you've caused pain when you can set it aside and finish it tomorrow, unless its extreme circumstances.

When there's chronic pain, you don't have this luxury. You don't have the option of stopping because of pain. You don't have the option of saying it hurts today I'll do this tomorrow, because it hurts tomorrow too, and the day after that, and so on. There are questions of trying to manage pain, and trying to not overdo it, but pain is no longer an excuse, pain is no longer a reason to stop going today unless the pain will be unmanageable tomorrow, pain is no longer a reason you can say that you can't do something now.

When someone has a bad headache they can take painkillers and say they can't do the grocery shopping today. When someone with chronic pain has to do the grocery shopping, they need to do the shopping. They might rearrange what they are picking up so that they're walking the shortest path, or such that they're not carrying any heavy items, but they still need to eat. Pain is no longer a reason to put off the shopping.

So, when it comes to abnormal sensory processing, the same types of things hold. Except that most people don't ever even get the headaches in the first place. Most people don't even get the equivalents of twinges of pain. They don't need to say that things are too much, they don't need to say they can't cope with things, they don't need to find to ways to cope with things that are going on around them. They never feel pain, except they never get any of the downsides of not feeling pain.

And then there are some people who have to cope with headaches and aches and pains. There are people who if you push them to far, or if they push themselves too far will respond with pain. They will sometimes wake up in pain without a good reason, and will need to react with pain killer equivalents and saying that today they can't do the grocery shopping. We need to be accepting of this. We need to let these people do what they need. These people are the equivalents of people who get headaches in a world of people without pain receptors.

Except, there's a level above that as well. There are the people with chronic pain. There are the people who no longer can say no, I can't do that today. There are the people who have to just keep going even though it hurts, even though the world is at constant war with their body and their body is at constant war with itself. They no longer have the option to say its too much, because its always too much, or that its not enough, because its never enough, or that its not right, because its never right. They always have to fight to make it as best they can, and as best they can is always still pain, and always still more than most people deal with, or can ever imagine dealing with.

These things affect people, and the lack of understand can too. Treating people right matters a whole lot. Remember that people can't always say no. Remember that not saying no doesn't make it easy. Remember that these people who are saying that their bodies are processing things differently mean it - when they're saying that it hurts and they can't take it today that they mean it, and remember that those of us who no longer can say that and who have to just try to grin it and bear it and the chronic pain it causes have to do that too. Please.

But what about those florescent lights?

I was going to make my post on time this year, I really was. But then things came up that were more important than writing a blog post. And now again, I vary between writing thousands of words because someone mentioned a topic that I wanted to reply to because they were wrong and not being able to pull up what I was going to write about on here. But, despite all that I'm going to write a post, even if its two days late, and even if there's a lot going on, and even if I don't remember what I was going to write about because so much is going on. And I'm going to make it meaningful.

Right now, what's meaningful to me and easy to talk about, sensory issues, so that is what I'll write about.

I don't hide from people that I'm on the spectrum and that I have bad sensory issues. It'd be rather hard to hide the sensory issues wearing blue glasses around, but still some people do overlook them and say that you can't notice. I question them sometimes, if I'm sitting sideways in a chair, wearing blue glasses, and stimming, but apparently this isn't enough to be visible sometimes.

Sensory issues can be invisible. Even more than other parts of autism. Social issues are visible if you're interacting with people. Communication issues, the same. Issues with change aren't immediately visible, but generally come up quickly, and are understood to be part of autism. Same with the other parts of RRBs. And well, stimming is usually visible, though apparently sometimes overlooked.

Sensory issues, when they're hypersensitivities at least (which within the HFA crowd seem to be the most common based on my experiences, though in SPD, hypersensitivities are actually less common than either hyposensitivities or seeking behaviors), are generally very internalized. The person reacts strongly, feels pain, doesn't process things properly, but doesn't show others very much. They don't scream out every time a florescent light turns on, but that doesn't change that the florescent light has an effect on them. It's an invisible reaction. Because others don't know. And others don't expect the environment could effect people so much.

Which leads to sensory issues being overlooked. We talk about communication. We talk about change. We talk about how many people are murdered by family members for being different. But, what about that simple florescent light?

Just for me? I hear those lights. They hurt. They feel like they're stabbing my brain with high frequency buzzing. They make me want to rip my ears off because it would hurt less than listening, and they jam my brain, because I have to listen through the buzzing. And try to concentrate through it. Eventually the buzzing might give me a migraine. A sudden noise of the sort might have other reactions, but lights are these constant offenders, like someone taking the static, turning it high frequency, putting it in headphones, and making you walk around wearing it so you're the only one who can hear it.

And then of course there's the vision part. They flicker. I don't know who gave people the idea that the flicker isn't visible to the human eye because its definitely visible. And both the flicker and the buzzing get worse as they age. A constant distraction of a fan flapping in front of your face, flip, flip, flip, flip, flip, because its flicker flicker flickering. And again, people deny it, because they don't see it. And because its so fast, again, not only is it distracting, its a slow buildup of too much getting too pain. Someone flicking lights on and off is irritating. Now, have that happen always in the room. It's normal. The eyes or the processing behind the eyes or something has to compensate though, and it doesn't so much like doing so (to put it not very scientifically), and eventually the eyes are tired, and hurt and tired, and the headache sets in.

And trying to process things with these - apparently my communication skills drop significantly as soon as you turn on a florescent light, and come back when you turn it off. Other sorts of processing is harder to test, but it generally gets messed up.

I know others who are more messed up by the lights. And others who are less messed up by the lights. I have other visual processing issues (headlights are one of my biggest ones), and many others in other senses. But, we don't need to look at dealing with everyone always. We have to look at doing what we can to make things better, when we can and how we can.

When that means in my bedroom, giving me LEDs, for when I can't use natural sunlight, that's a thing, because that's something that helps. And that's a thing that is worth mentioning even though it doesn't fix every visual processing issue I have, not to mention every sensory issue I have.

When that means, getting places to at least replace the bulbs earlier if they have to use florescents - that'd be a huge step.

But, right now, as I walk around, I'm in a way showing people that this matters, and when it comes up I explain. I'm wearing my tinted lenses, for myself, but doing it for myself is being open. And sometimes being open is enough to be saying a lot. Just wearing my lenses is enough for someone to say, why are there blue lenses? And that itself, is communicating to them about me, about autism, and about the importance of actually taking care of our sensory issues.

Noise

Reading, wanting to communicate, struggling to get ideas out. Okay, I'll sit down and write. I can do this now. It's a way to get ideas out. I can explain how I feel and how I live.

Right, I have stuff to do on this topic. That's a specific thing to do. Explaining about how life is harsh, and you can't just always focus on how you cope, because if you do that then you deny what people deal with.

Writing. Starting to get in the right mode. I can do this. It's starting to work. I've been stuck not managing to do this for months, but its starting to work now.

Type type. type type. type type.

People coming up and trying get me to do other stuff, interrupting all my thoughts. Losing it. Losing it all again. Don't want to lose it.

Please, let me keep the right mindset. Please. Wrapping up. Curling up. Smaller, smaller. Pulling in.

Walking away, realizing they were interrupting me, maybe kept it, back to trying. Writing quick ideas down to remember thoughts.

RING RING

Stupid phone.

SQUAWK

Too much noise.

Talking. So much talking. Squawking. Squawk squawk. Thoughts are running away. They're leaving.

Getting harder to string ideas together. Can communicate well enough to make people think I'm functioning, but mentally I'm lost. Anything I want to do is gone.

All the noises. Too many noises.

Clenching up. Don't want to hear it all.

Feel like I'm going to burst.

Want to just manage to do something effective. Why can't I be effective?

Bark bark bark bark

Even more. Why more?

Holding head. Typing. More headache.

Questions? I'm supposed to answer questions? Right, yes I can do that.

I'm going to just hide now. Maybe the noise will stop eventually.

Rock rock. rock rock

Tinted Lenses and Irlen Syndrome

I've had so many posts I've been wanting to make and have been not managing to get the words down. However, this post is a straightforward one.

At some point last year through some of the Sensory Processing Disorder people I heard of people using tinted lenses. Some of them also mentioned Irlen Syndrome, and we were going through the self-tests and commenting about how many of the criteria on the self-tests we meet. I meet almost all of them for headaches or light sensitivity, and in the long form, more than 3 in some of the other sections as well.

There is an Irlen center somewhat local to me, and I contacted them asking costs for everything over the summer. They gave me costs (which I don't remember the numbers of), and mentioned that November 1st they were going to be training people as Irlen screeners, and that if I wanted to be a person used as an example for them to learn on, then I could be screened for free.

So, November 1st I was screened for Irlen Syndrome. The screening process was quite interesting. I ended up in major overload and not being able to function for multiple days after it because of how much sensory overload I was in because of it though. They were nice and skipped over some sections when they wouldn't give them any information (i.e. We know she reacts poorly to florescent lights if she has such strong self reports and reports that from her occupational therapist so strongly, lets not test it here in order to try to not put her in overload as long as possible). Lots of what they did was purposefully putting visually difficult patterns and having me look at them and trying to cause visual distortions to come up - such as a penguin made up of Xs, or a drawing of a cube split unevenly.

My screening came back as expected saying that yes I did have Irlen Syndrome, so they then went and figured out what overlay color would help me. We went through different overlays and combinations of overlays until we figured out that aqua + aqua + grey was what would help me the most so they sent me home with that combination.

They agreed that tinted lenses would be really helpful to me - that they'd do far more for me than overlay would, so it was then a question of getting to tinted lenses. Going through the Irlen Center would cost money, we could do it cheaper than that...

You can dye polycarbonate (and other plastics) with synthetic fabric dyes. So we bought Blue and black dyes) and set out trying to get frames. Ended up trying to get rimless frames because we could try to do more ourselves with rimless frames, but we kept messing up trying to make lenses.

Last Tuesday we managed to dye a piece of plastic to the color of blue that I wanted my lenses to be dyed to. Later in the week we went to the optometrist, got other frames (thus if you try this route, don't go rimless they can't use rimless with tinted matching always), gave them the match, and told me I'd get my lenses Monday or Tuesday.

Yesterday at 2 pm (after I wrote most of this up actually) I picked them up! They still need adjusted for fit a bit, because I want them to be crooked in a particular manner to make them crooked with my face. It shouldn't be a hard adjustment now that I figured out what I want (I wasn't managing to explain there what I was wanting so we got them to comfortable and visibly level, and considered that good, now I've figured out what I was wanting).

Jonored is looking at possibly making blinders for the side if I have issues with peripheral vision and them, a few different possible materials have been looked at. I really like the idea of removable blinders, but I don't want to add on to his projects if he doesn't have time, so its currently an "if it becomes necessary, and let him think about how he wants to do it" thing. It'll probably happen though.

Anyways, I've definitely noticed they've helped. I'm going to after a while of wearing them go through and figure out in what areas are they helping. So far I know they're helping with florescent lights at least to some degree in particular and overall helping.

Sensory issues, or some of what it takes to walk down a city street

Walking down the street, you likely notice that cars are going by, the smells of the restaurants, the smell of cigarette smoke from the people smoking on the side walk. You likely see lights at things like crosswalks and on the cars. You likely are somewhat aware of what you're walking on. But its generally simple. There are things you like and things you don't like, and you will go towards things you prefer and away from things you prefer to avoid. When you can't avoid it, you'll likely be unhappy, but it won't be a big deal, you can get away soon enough. Things tend to be noticeable, but don't rule your life.

At least, this is what people tell me. Their descriptions vary, but generally it comes down to, there is a norm for sensory input, that involves all senses functioning, senses regulated, and the sensory input not needing to be the focus of something as simple as walking down the street.

I say "this is what people tell me", because this isn't what life is to me. This isn't what walking down the street is to me. I actually can't even imagine it. I can't imagine that little input noticed; I can't imagine things affecting me that little; I can't imagine it being that simple.

People notice the cars, the sirens when they go by, the noise of everyday city life. However, I don't just notice these. They completely overwhelm me. An ambulance going by will, at times, literally freeze me in my tracks. A car revving or a loud motorcycle will do the same. In order to keep walking, in order to not just get so overwhelmed I can't function, I'll dig my fingernails into my palms. I'll fidget with things, clench my hands, start signing things I want to say to people when I get to where I'm going. I'll wear earplugs (though not always, because they itch in my ears). When breaks screech its an attack on my ears. It physically hurts. My muscles tense up, headaches are worse, it just hurts. When I get to where I'm going I'm still on edge from the constant bombardment that is city life, and that's just the sounds.

The smells, those are so much worse. People who know me at all know this one at least. Those smells that are offensive to others are migraine triggers to me. Those smells that others dislike, I'm fighting to keep from vomiting from. Those smells that others don't even notice, they do the same. Walking down the street, you smell cigarette smoke as you pass someone smoking, but apparently most people don't smell it when they're half a block downwind from anyone smoking. I struggle to have people realize that my reactions aren't just psychosomatic, as they don't realize anyone can smell things the way I do. And the smells, they're too much too. The headaches, the nausea, the attempting to breath properly, that's normal. That's everyday. Being looked at strangely for wearing a mask when I'm walking down Main Street, or waiting for a bus; having parents pull their children away from me; having people randomly take pictures of me because they're not used to someone wearing a cloak and face mask walking around downtown - those vary in frequency, but only the random photograph is something that was so infrequent as to phase me. And that mask that people treat me differently when I'm wearing, its amazing. It lets me walk all the way to city hall without starting to get a migraine (though not all the way to the library across the park). It's amazing to have a full 15 minutes of walking down Main Street without beginning to develop a migraine. That's three times as long as I normally would get without the mask, and that's huge. People realize that dumpsters smell bad, and that sometimes people smell bad, and that tends to be something they understand can trigger the nausea, but walking quickly or on the other side of the street is (apparently) usually enough. The strange looks, the constant fighting of headaches, the planning my schedules around the smells, actively avoiding some buses and never going on those routes, planning when I walk and when I bus based off of how many people are riding vs walking vs taking smoke breaks, that's my life.

And those lights, those lights people see, those can be blinding. Those can make me unable to process what's around me until I've regained the ability to process. Those can make me, and often do make me, disassociate. All of the light, the sun, the headlights, the streetlights, everything, can make it so I can't even process the "walk" sign, especially when I'm being overloaded in other senses. Luckily I can function from 'don't walk when its orange' or 'walk when the sounds meant for blind people are chirping', but it still comes down to not being able to visually process certain details at times. When I say that I don't think it'll ever be safe for me to drive, people tend to underestimate what I'm saying. Walking down the street at night, if I was not terrified of cars, would likely be unsafe. People's descriptions of being blinded by the high beams on a car confuse me a lot. I don't understand what they mean by those being high beams, the lightest low beams are like that. What do they mean that the low beams give them light and the high beams are blinding? And that's before the disassociation. If its night time, I can rarely even walk home from the grocery store a quarter mile away without disassociating. It's like I split into multiple parts, and can't do more than execute the program of "walk home avoiding cars". I'm glad that other people on the sidewalk notice people, because I've almost walked into people often in this state (and only notice it after the fact). I already need to plan when I'm going to the grocery store around the smells, and now that we're adding lights in, walking home once its dark gets overwhelming. And yet, that's the easy option. For me its easier to deal with regular disassociation, to find ways to work around the fact that the lights are so bright that it hurts, that I can't see properly, and that I can't even be all together, than it is to deal with everything else if I avoided that. It'd be even easier to avoid the grocery store, but I need to eat somehow.

Now add on to all those sounds and smells and sights that you notice, noticing all those details (except, ironically, those that people expect you to notice on people.) That's not just a hand telling you to not walk, that's a lot of little lights, and they're not all working, some are out. The post is rusting and the trees behind it aren't just trees, they're full of leaves, which aren't all the same colors even within a leaf. And those disgusting smells, they're not just one smell, there are all these parts of various types of trash and various types of decomposition. And every little bump on the sidewalk is there, the new trash that you feel terrible walking by after people have thrown out of their vehicles, the dead animals at the side of the road. It's all there. You see it all, you hear it all, you smell it all. You don't see only a road scene, you see everything in that, and process it all.

And that's just being on the street. Not even walking yet. Because once you get to walking there's movement of your body. And because that body doesn't process everything normally, there's stumbling and being generally clumsy. I've mentioned before sensory issues to some degree, and mentioned this then. But that's not always acceptable. Sometimes people are expected to wear things other than shoes with toes (for some strange reason), and because trying to get a job is more important than a sprained ankle, shoes for interviews go ahead and cause walking down the street to cause sudden twisting of an ankle because of not being able to feel what's going on underfoot. I'm still dealing with my ankle being in pain after last Friday, and I've not even gotten to interview with anyone, just had to wear the silly shoes to prove to people I could dress professionally.

The sights, the smells, the sounds of the street. Walking and having to deal with processing information and not hurting yourself. If you ignore the weather, and assume everything on you is comfortable, despite even "comfortable" clothing being too much at times, then for the 5 senses people normally think of you can get from point A to point B (as taste is not very relevant for walking down a street).

But that's only the start of this. That's only the start of having unusual sensory processing in the ways that I do. Because that suggests once you're off the street that things are easier. That suggests that the vestibular and propioceptive senses don't exist. That suggests that only hypersensitivities exist, not hyposensitivities, not seeking this input to regulate oneself, not difficulty planning motor actions, or difficulty discriminating between different sensory inputs. That suggests that input can be dealt with and ignores it being overwhelming, breaking all ability to function, even after its gone. That suggests that removing input is all that's needed and ignores that even once the input is removed the recovery still takes time, and during all of that time there's extreme sensitivity to everything else, including non-sensory. Not to mention, while it certainly does a lot and certainly more is removable than people immediately think of, there's only so much input you can remove and still be able to get to a doctor when you need to and when you can't drive.

And this is my life. This constant overload. This constant bombardment of sensory inputs attacking me from all sides. My body not knowing how to habituate to anything going on, so hearing every tick that clock makes that others tune out. My body hyper-tasting and yet still craving strong foods (but only some, only my choice). My body having poor sense of where its joints are, and not being able to walk straight without vision. My mouth still at times having a hard time pronouncing words that I should know how to do, and my hands having such a horrible time at video games that people make drinking games over watching people like me play them. My body dealing with everything until it can't take any more, and it shuts down, doesn't let me speak, doesn't let me move, doesn't let me even get away from known migraine triggers at times. Or instead, losing control of my mind and snapping at people and sobbing, because the fire alarm has been beeping for a new battery longer than I can take.

Not only is this my life, this has always been my life, I didn't know some of this was abnormal until this past year, and this will likely always be my life, because while therapy helps and new coping mechanisms help, how I perceive the world is just different than normal people see it.

Simply dealing with what's around you, even ignoring the people, is so much, that I can't understand how people are surprised when a child throws themself to the ground screaming, unable to cope. Simply dealing with everything is so much, that I can't expect how people overlook it all. Simply dealing with everything is so much that I have no clue what its like for it to be simple.

They say it is. But its not for me.