Getting used to it

"They have to get used to it"

Whether it is the touch, or being "okay" with someone doing something they don't want sometimes is hard to tell. These words are repeated; it doesn't matter how many times, or ways, a child says no, you still should put your hands on them.

"It doesn't really hurt anyone"

It doesn't matter as you grow older, you are still told, "you can't really say no", and even "your experiences are wrong. You are wrong. You don't really have a reason for thinking that, for saying that."

Both of these things are things I've been told recently. I've been told touch doesn't hurt. I've been told that people just need to get used to touch. I've been told that it doesn't matter if people say no, you should still put a hand on their arm. I've been told it doesn't matter if I say no, stop touching me.

I wonder if people are even thinking about what they're saying; if they're even aware of the implications of their words and actions, or if they are just blissfully ignorant. They must be ignorant it seems, people wouldn't take away that much autonomy, would they? Would people knowingly say "you aren't allowed to say no" or "someone touching you in case you are touched later is more important than your ability to choose what is done to your own body"?

How do people have these thoughts- where the ability to say no, the ability to choose what is happening to yourself, the ability to decide whether or not someone else is in your body's space - is less important than something someone else chooses - someone who's body it is not.

How are these things justified? "They have to get used to it"? As if someone is not capable of saying to keep hands away from their body as they get older. "It doesn't really hurt"? As if someone who is disabled is incapable of identifying their body's own sensations.

Getting used to it.

Getting used to doing what others tell us to do. Getting used to hearing "no, your experiences are a lie". Getting used to being told what to do by others, because they have power over us. Getting used to our senses not being paid attention to, even when it involves getting physically into our space, touching us, pushing us around.

Getting used to it.

Being afraid to speak up. Being afraid to say when there's a problem, because you've always been told that you're wrong, that your feelings are wrong, that your body is wrong. Getting used to it. Not knowing how to say something, or when to say something. It's always wrong you know. You're always wrong.

Getting used to it. Because it's never your choice. It's only the choice of the others.

My survival kit

People have wondered, what are your tools for getting through the day? I carry things with me always, with more at home, so that I can cope. What I use varies on my situation, what I need varies on my situation, but I always make sure to have things available, because need frequently occurs.

I carry my backpack with me almost always. This is because its filled with tools that I need to assume I'll need except in unusual situations, and can be really awkward to swap stuff around for carrying things in alternate ways. When I need to assume I need everything, carrying a backpack is basically a necessity. When I'm not carrying my backpack its because I've pulled some of these things out, and also have a human there to assist me who knows how to if it is necessary to. I don't want to rely on my boyfriend if it is not necessary to though, so unless it is a minimal risk situation and he is there, I'm bringing my backpack.

Backpack's default set of items:

• Medication: prescription meds and supplements organized in a 4x a day weekly pill box, OTC things in my keychain, migraine abortatives, medication is necessary to always have available with me, and organized where it is needed rather than just thrown into my backpack and expected for me to figure it out when its necessary

• Earplugs: Noises are too loud and overwhelming. Earplugs are itchy and problematic, but laying hearing protection is sometimes necessary to survive without feeling like I'll explode. Also, I carry them on my keychain, so if I need to just pull my keys and wallet, I'll still have something to help reduce sensory input.
• Earmuffs/Ear defenders/whatever you want to call them: Primary hearing protection, I use earmuffs despite them being more visible, because they don't itch inside my ears. Sounds are too loud, too painful, mess with my balance...No matter how much hearing protection I use they're still easily understandable, but sometimes its no so overwhelming when I'm using it, and worth the discomfort of wearing things that do something like squeeze my head.
• (Folding) Long cane (also referred to as a white cane, though mine isn't white): Being able to always process vision isn't something I can do. How well I can understand what I see varies drastically, and how much it costs to go through that process of decoding what it means varies drastically. When it is more costly, or when no matter what I do I either am running on a few seconds delay for vision, extreme tunnel vision, or simply seeing but not understanding, I implement (more) strategies used by blind people. It allows me to use my mental power for things other than attempting to navigate the world by sight when sight isn't working with me.
• Folding balance cane: My migraines come with bad vertigo at times. I vary from being able not being able to walk with my cane, to running up mountains which require awkward navigation. I plan for both. Sensory overload, migraines, vertigo setting in, my body might feel itself or the world moving, my leg might spasm and tense up, not wanting to work without being in pain. Whatever it is, I'll not be limited, so I'll move with things that I carry instead.

• Tangle Jr: Such a useful stim toy! I carry the one which is covered by a squishy rubbery material, I don't remember what its called. So many reasons to want to pull out a toy and such a useful one to have
• Rite in the Rain notebooks: Because my hands hurt when touching normal paper. They feel like the sound of nails on a chalkboard. I can't handle it, and it makes me want to bite myself, though I rarely follow through with the urge. Having paper that is coated for waterproofing changes the texture enough that it doesn't hurt anymore! And they're waterproof paper too which is awesome.
• Compression gloves: My hands are the most reactive to everything texture, and frequently hurt. Showers hurt them badly. Sometimes simply the air hurts them. Compression gloves help, though don't get rid of it completely, so I wear them when it gets bad. They make it harder to do things, and make me prone to losing my medical alert bracelet, so I try to limit it to necessity, but when necessary, its the difference between being able to concentrate at all, and all my focus being on "my hands hurt".
• Altoids: PEPPERMINT
• the heaviest drafting pencil the stationary store had: Heavier pencil makes my handwriting so much neater, and makes it so much more comfortable to write.
• Kindle: Always have something to turn to! I always can go to any of my books. I don't need to read paper books. I can always turn to my books no matter where I am or what I'm doing!

Other tools:

• Smartphone/tablet (7"): I use both my phone and tablet (both android) heavily. I have communication apps, stimming apps, executive functioning apps. I use alarms to help me organize my day, complete with different sounds for different things. Having a computer on me always has been a thing I've relied on, but with smartphones I've been capable of swapping to just having my phone, though my laptop is very important to me.
• Tinted lenses: I wear greyish blue tinted lenses in order to help with visual processing. They help with having fewer visual distortions, fewer headaches, better depth perception, and generally, better visual processing.
• Medical alert bracelet: I'm always wearing a medical alert bracelet that tells people about my migraines, autism, and medication allergies. I've needed to use it before to communicate to people on my behalf.
• Compression shirts: Compression shirts are very useful for deep pressure that you wear on your body and carry with you always. Wearing them under whatever you'd wear that day for clothing, just works well. For extra compression, breast binders work well but some people would prefer not to use such a thing.
• Weighted blanket: I spend most my time at home under my weighted blanket, despite some people saying this is a bad idea. Without my weighted blanket I struggle with understanding where I am in space. With it, I can think clearer, and am more aware of how things are supposed to be, rather than the weird feelings of wrongness that exist in my limbs.
• Weighted vest: While the weighted vest doesn't work as well as the weighted blanket, it is a useful tool to add when going in public along with the compression shirts.
• Vibram Five Fingers: We have a theme here on the propioception impairments...Using minimalist shoes means that despite propioception impairments, I don't have issues with things like constantly spraining my ankle anymore! I'm able to use touch - feeling the ground beneath my feet - in order to adapt for the fact that my propioception is impaired.
• Peppermint oil mixture: I carry this in my backpack if I have a choice, but at the moment its in a bottle where the lid might get broken :(. A mixture of 50% peppermint oil/50% everclear, its useful for so many things! Topically its a good muscle relaxant. It's a strong peppermint oil, so it can be added to drinks, for peppermint flavoring, dealing with the fact that I can't drink water straight. The fact that I seek peppermint also has great benefits with such a mixture...
• My swing: I have a swing in my bedroom! It's awesome. It's an egg-swing I describe it as. Whether I'm actively swinging, just sitting in it hanging from it rather than sitting on something stationary, it is calming, and gives me a different sort of sensory input than not being in my swing does.
• My cat: She does so much for me. She's my ESA, my migraine alert cat, just my cat. She could easily be a service cat if I lived somewhere where I could have a public access service cat. I can't read my own emotions, but she can, and I can read hers, reading them off of her. She leads me away from situations when I'm getting overwhelmed. She helps with meltdowns. She alerts to migraines. She is too smart of a cat, and the perfect cat for me, doing so much for me.
• My cloak: In the winter, or fall or spring really, I wear a cloak for a coat. It's like a portable blanket! As well as all the other benefits of wearing a cloak (really, they're just better in so many ways), I get the feeling of wrapped up like I do in a blanket, and can use it like a blanket in public. When I prefer to wrap up in a blanket so strongly, this is so useful.
• Cefaly: This is an incredibly useful and incredibly interesting device. It's frequently referred to on the internet as a space crown or a space tiara. It's a device you wear on your forehead, have do electrotherapy for 20 minutes a day, and it reduces the number of migraines you have. Also, if you wear it during a migraine it can reduce the severity or even get rid of the migraine! It's really awesome, and my favorite part of my migraine treatment.

Other sensory things that I'm not currently using as much

• Brush for Wilbarger's brushing protocol: This protocol has been very useful! I still have brushes for "tune ups", though I don't do so frequently, just because of being out of habit. It's useful to have for when I need and remember, even if being out of habit makes it hard to use every time I'd prefer to. And the protocol was drastically useful when I went through the protocol.
• CDs and Headphones for Therapeutic Listening: Similar to Wilbarger's Brushing Protocol, I went through this program, and use these for tune ups now when I'm most sensorily in need. In these one's case it has more to do with when I have the time to be spending 20 minutes no doing anything mentally stimulating, and not moving (because while you're allowed to move around during the program, my body cannot handle moving at all).
• Theraputty: Great stim toy, even better for strengthening wrists when you've injured yourself stimming. I have the set of 6 different colors and will work my way up to the second to strongest from usually the second to weakest if I've done something like bothered my wrist. Otherwise, I like the second or third to strongest to play with.
• More stim toys: Description unnecessary in my opinion.
• Noise cancelling headphones: Really useful to have some proper noise cancelling headphones, but it requires having good noise to play with them. Wrong noises and I can't focus on what I want to focus on.
• Respro Mask: I have an activated charcoal/HEPA combo filter mask, for dealing with smells, how toxic the air is, etc. It used to be one of my commonly used items and always in my backpack. The issue is that my face is too small for it now :( and in order to get a smaller one I need to buy both a more expensive mask and a filter that isn't the filter it originally comes with so I keep forgetting to order it.

Plus, on top of my tools, I have many coping strategies that are internal. I have taught myself how to use sensory information that isn't the "expected" one for a situation. I will visibly stim. I will use things like walking following lines, with my hand on the wall, or feeling where the grass is and where the sidewalk is. I've taught myself how to turn off processing for senses at will, allowing me to not be overloaded by them, or to be more easily able to process other senses, or other ability (such as speech). I've taught myself how to alternate necessary skills, in order to get through a situation, when I should need all of them, but can't do all of them simultaneously, by turning off everything that isn't completely necessary; keeping myself balancing, walking, seeing, speaking, in turn.

I have lots of skills, lots of tools, and use them. Because I know I am impaired, but I want to do things anyways. If that means doing them in odd ways, where I end up exhausted, dependent, and in pain, I'll do them anyways, because I'm going to choose at times its worth it and know how to do it when it is worth it.

It's my body, my senses

It's my body. I know it best. You can't tell me how I feel, what I feel. You can't tell me what my experiences are.

You can't say "its not that bad" when you have no clue what it is like for me. Trying to tell me how I can't truly feel my body spinning out of control because of such small bits of movement. You can't tell me I'm making it up, seeking attention, not truly dealing with anything, because you can't understand.

It's my body. I know what its like. I feel my head spinning. I feel the nausea setting in. You might not understand, but my body, my experiences, tell me that this happens, and its mine to say what is happening to me.

Nor can you say "you don't seek things", just because you've actually recognized now that my senses might actually be hypersensitive! Just because I sense things strongly doesn't mean I cannot crave, even if you do not know what it is like to do either and are going from a book. I know what I do, and denying what I do to fit me into your picture denies reality.

It's my body. It's not yours. You aren't the one choosing what I am eating, how I am eating it; how I am moving; what happens through my skin. You aren't the one figuring out how to live in the world, by avoiding and seeking, sorting out and adapting, and eventually determining that there are labels for these things.

When I take ghost pepper extract and drop a drop on my tongue and then follow it up with peppermint oil - will you say I will not seek anything? Because you want me to fit your stereotypes? When I can't string words together until I sit in a swing, am I making it up?

No, it is my body, and I can tell you my perceptions. I might not have the best descriptions. I might not know all the proper words, but you can't tell me that things are not happening to me that are happening to me. I'm the one who gets to say what I perceive, even if you help put labels on what that means.

Feathers on the Inside

Take a feather, and run it along your skin, as lightly as you can, trying to catch that point where the irritation of almost but not quite tickling occurs. Capture that feeling. Remember it.

Now take that feeling, and stick it underneath your skin. And extend it, its no longer just that tickling, now there's pain too. Except you can't feel the pain right either. It's wrong. You absolutely know it is wrong. What else could it be, if there's painful feather tickles trapped under your skin through out your body?

When you have a feather on your skin, and it is causing a problem, what do you do? You make it not be there? If someone is seriously chasing you down with one and it is causing you this much distress? You would probably run and hide, getting away.

But now we're within your skin. And you want to run, you want to escape. That's the overwhelming feeling, wanting to run, get away. Your body feels wrong, you need to get away, you need to get away from the taunts, the pain, the flick flick flick of feathers, and tensing up of nerves misfiring. Feeling every bit of skin from the inside. Feeling the uncomfortable tingles and feeling every bit of air passing by.

You need to get away, run, run as fast as you can. How far can you get away. How fast can you go? What can you to to make this assault on you end, and how can you separate yourself from it? The faster the better. You must do it. You must.

But then, again, no, you can't. It's all inside. It's all in your body. You can't run. You want to; you need to, but you can't. There's no escaping by leaving.

So, instead, maybe you can make it leave? Maybe you can find yourself beneath this parasitic invader? Maybe you can make yourself feel better.

It's not parasitic in that there are actual parasites, but there's something taking over, and it needs to get away. It needs chased out. You need your body back, and you need it however you can. You are losing control, because your body has a mind of its own. Your body is trying to get rid of its attacker, even though its attacker is itself. The attacker must be gotten rid of. The attacker must be chased out.

You'll get rid of it, you'll get rid of the invader, even if it means harm to yourself in the process.

Questions

No matter how many questions are answered, there are more waiting, questioning. No matter how many questions are asked, there are more out there to be found.

No matter how far you search, reaching farther, journeying longer, is always a possibility.

And that is the journey of our lives.

Our lives of questions, answers, solutions, and challenges; ways to cope, and never being enough, but always questing for further solutions, further answers, further skills to aide. Our lives of asking ourselves what we are doing, and how we are doing it, finding new ways, and doing it.

My life is a life of questions. Everyone's is, but mine I see a list of questions with every action I take. How far can I push myself? What are the things I need with me now to protect myself from my neurology? Simply, what do I do?

My life is a life of answers. We all answer questions. We all quest and grow. We all challenge ourselves and come out ahead of where we were.

So my days, I have questions. They are the questions of my days, of what do I do, and how do I do them. They're the questions making me choose how I act. How do I get through a school when I don't know where I am? How do I teach when I can't see more than a square foot at a time? How do I walk when I don't know how to balance? How do I prepare when I don't know what symptoms will hit? How do I navigate when my body tells me I have choices like being able to step forward or having any sight, but not do both simultaneously? How do I keep hydrated when I end up so heavy that I don't remember how to stand? How do I keep safe, when my motor cortex might stop working?

And then. Then, I answer these questions. I find answers, I don't say I can't. I find ways to navigate a school on memory and touch. I plan what to carry, and organize it carefully. I teach my brain how to stop using vision, so I can use other senses more efficiently, and process with other senses when I need to, giving myself enough tactile input that I know where I am. I teach myself how to use sounds. I practice using other sorts of motion, other parts of the brain, for when I need it, so I'm not trapped in place.

I find answers. I find ways. Because I'm not going to be trapped. I'm going to adapt, I'm going to find a way to succeed. My body might not respond like yours does, but I can answer how I can can do it. They are my questions.

I challenge myself, and constantly, I'm asking more questions, and finding more answers. I'm finding more ways to cope, more ways to adapt, more ways to make myself work better in a world so toxic. And answers lead to more questions, more ways to seek out ways that I might adapt how I interact.

I question. I answer. I seek. I find. I learn. I grow. And more questions come.

Expectations and the Implication Thereof

Another loud day. Another day where I figure out what I'm doing on the fly. Another day where I'm to do that while people shout around me. But that's what I'm supposed to do, I'm not really impaired at this.

I do the same thing, day to day, whether or not they want me to. I know there are limits from this. I know that that there are other things they'd want me to do, but this is always helpful, and always something I can do. It's always something I can remember before I can't think. I fall into safe space of understanding. But when we finish and I'm expected to do something else...that's usually when its loudest. That's when my head is spinning. That's when I don't know where I am. That's when I try to do something, anything, while I don't know what is going on. That's when I need a quiet space to myself for a sensory retreat to have a chance at making it farther in the day. But, can I get that?

I'm not given it. I have to take it for myself, leaving, and finding a spot. Holding myself close, in a quiet room, hoping it will remain quiet. Trying to recenter myself, trying to find my way back to the world, before I need to re-enter their world. Why am I not given this? Why can't I just have these few moments to myself? Why do I need to rush at someone else's schedule, or go out of my way places where I do not know where I am in such a body? Why can't they find ways to meet me when I work too hard to meet them.

In so many ways, I'm expected to meet the expectations of others about what I can and can't do, that when someone stops and asks "could something help you" or notices when I'm getting agitated, it means a lot. Things which shouldn't mean so much, mean the difference between being unable to face activities I want to do, and being capable of it, because now I have had someone else take up some of the effort, usually at little cost of their own.

In so many ways, these expectations surround me, meaning no matter how much I'm not bothering to try to look neurotypical, it does not matter. There are still perceptions of ability that I am always capable of finding my way around a building in their eyes, and I must find a way to manage or I'm left with only myself falling into pieces and still no help.

Disappearing processing

Usually I just write posts when I have something to write about. I sit down here in order to write out a post, and while what comes out might not have been what I planned, its organized. Alternatively, I write a post in my head as something I want to say, because of what has been going on around me, and share it when I get to a computer.

This is completely different, and feels more personal in some ways. It's worth sharing, so I'm sharing it, but its not what I normally write. This is when I was asked to do something to help out and I couldn't, and went to say something online, what came out. This is what I was saying, while I was losing my ability to process senses. This is a description of senses being more jumbled up in real time.

I plan on these happening. I organize my day and my week so that my body losing the ability to understand the world has minimal effect on others. I have taught myself things from mentally being able to swap visual processing off and just use processing the other senses to understand what's going on (and without vision it is easier to process other senses, especially hearing), to how to get backup information from alternative senses, to what I should carry with me to keep myself safe. I reduce sensory input to reduce frequency, and give myself what I seek more than I seek it.

But still, when it happens it can be disorienting and make me feel like I'm not able to do what I need to do. No matter the frequency, it makes me feel like I should be doing more.

So here. This is one sort of what its like to be losing processing. Typos are because I could no longer process vision even enough to have any tunnel vision; it was just gone. I'm not sure how understandable it is. I feel like its missing so much. But, even little bits help with understanding.

I can't adult.

At school all day today my vision was blurry from not processing vision and I tried to work through that.

My speech was reduced.

Being able to remember where things like the work I was giving them was barely there. If we finished early, extra stuff, I didn't have any clue what to do and couldn't make it up despite usually being great at that.

By the end of the day I was sitting there losing time in dissociation.

I had stuff I was supposed to do here. I got a load of laundry in. I stopped functioning. I've not managed to swap it over. I've not managed to get myself anything to drink. I've been home 6 hours and thirsty the whole time.

My body isn't understanding what's going on around it at all. I'm hearing sounds and they don't mean anything. I'm seeing things, and the things I'm focusing on writing, I can see a fraction of my particular post here, and everything else is gibberish, if it exists at all.

I feel cold on my back and I don't know why. I feel things on my hands that I can't understand. They might be touching things I don't know what. I think my head is spinning. I can't figure it out if it is or not. I can't understand anymore. My vision is getting more lost. I can see colors now. I am typing from muscle memory.

I'm supposed to be doing things. They need my help. If I don't then food will be delayed even more. I don't know how to adult. I don't how how to keep my body froom floating off in pieces. My arms are glued down and heavy and my legs are unattached and my back is only partially feeling things and I don't know what is happening to me.

I need input that I can understand but I can't understand enough to get it. I need things that are clear. I need sound that is defined. I need strong foods. I need heavy weights. I need to be held tight. I need to touch more things. I nee to move and everything.

And I'm hthe only one home and will be for at least another 30 minutes.

At least I'm in bed with my blanket.

Passing (or How Little They See)

I walk down the hallway, my hand running across the lockers, across the walls. It keeps me here. It shows me where I am. It keeps me balanced and makes me understand what hallway I'm in and when I need to turn.

I go to the room. The bell shrieks. I freeze up. I forget what I'm doing and where I am. All that I know is the noise. It's too much. I don't know how to move my arms to cover my ears. I don't know how to soothe myself. I just know how to exist, frozen, in space and in time.

I come back. I go back where I was. I continue on, talking about whatever was going on. Had they changed topics? Probably not. Usually its me teaching something. I just keep going. I explain it well. I tell them what is going on. I teach myself that when the bell goes, I need to tell them to leave even if they don't want to go to class. Eventually I remember that. It takes a while to stop teaching and tell them to leave, but not too long.

I have my math. I go back to it. I have how people are doing. That I keep track of. Why they aren't doing well. How can I improve their educations. What aren't they getting and how do these pieces fit together. I keep track of it always. I'm always fitting the pieces together.

They don't notice. They see someone teaching math. They don't notice the person always taking care of their body in order to have any clue what is going on. They don't notice the lack of anything off topic.

Then someone says hi, and I don't reply. They repeat it multiple times. I eventually process that there is someone there talking to me. A bit later I process I should reply. Um, what do I say, I don't know. Too much going on. All my processes on surviving. Not on these things. I try to redirect because its necessary. Enough gets through. I wave. I'm pretty sure that was the right thing to do. Words were to hard but gestures I could force through. I think she got annoyed first. My emotion sense of voices are saying "negative".

I keep going. I have to swap places I'm working. Does everything else get to stay the same? Yes, good. I forget some things in the shuffle. Got most of it. Piece it together. Managed to make it not a big deal that I forgot pencils by loaning out my pen repetitively. All the things I have to think about to manage to swap are so many. But its not so many that I can't teach my students, just that its a bit more awkward and we're a bit slower. We make it through the day.

Because I swapped places I'm expected to get my students here somehow. How do I do that? I ask. I'm told there's the phone to the office or something. I don't understand. I look at my list and have names and locations. I ask what to say. She explains something about asking for locations and students and I don't understand what to say. I try to get it clarified but its still confusing. She moves onto something else. I do everything I can to make it easier to do our work, but run out of things to prepare. I need my students. I go over and pick up the phone. I say hello. There's someone there. What do I say. I don't know. I'm confused. I try to ask the person in the room again, and I still can't figure out what's meant. I try to explain what I need and it doesn't make sense. I try again. It still doesn't work. I directly say what it is I need to tell them, that I have students in rooms and I need them here and I don't know how to get them here. They ask for what rooms and what students, I tell them, and get my students. Now I can do my work. I know how to work with students. Not how to do these phone things these are weird and complicated.

I go back to the hallways, flapping my hands, running them along the walls. I re-orient myself here. Make myself understand what is going on. Then back to my students. Teaching them makes sense, if I only I can get through the rest of the day.

Weighted Blankets

Weighted blankets are really powerful things. Maybe people have heard of Temple Grandin's squeeze machine (if you haven't, its quite cool), or maybe not, but very frequently deep pressure is something that regulates our sensory systems, and resets our bodies.

For those of us who are hypersensitive, for many of us, deep pressure is the one thing that resets us, or at least is the one that does it best. Our bodies hate most senses, they're attacks on our systems, but deep pressure, instead of being attack, calms us, protects us, and makes us feel safe. One of the things that is quite interesting about deep pressure is that it frequently helps those who are hyposensitive or seeking as well, because in both of those cases, they require increased sensory input, and this provides the increased sensory input. Deep pressure is the only area where all three of the sensory modulation areas seem to agree in enough cases that its worth defaulting to assuming it'll likely work; giving someone deep pressure is more likely than not to help them regulate better.

Deep pressure is the squeezing of strong hugs, the compression of joints when you jump, the weight of lying under a mattress. And this feeling, helps many on the autistic spectrum, with sensory processing disorder, with anxiety disorders, and even without any diagnoses, calm down, think better, sleep better, and generally function better.

For some of us, this is necessary, things that calm our sensory systems are the only way to be able to manage to get through daily life activities. For many on the autistic spectrum, sleep is a huge challenge; the same thing holds here.

So we get back to weighted blankets. Weighted blankets are, as it sounds like, blankets that are weighted instead of just being fabric, while still being functional as a blanket rather than stiff or uncomfortable. Sleeping with these blankets allows those of us who need sensory calming to sleep better; I know of multiple cases of melatonin being stopped after a weighted blanket was used while before it was required for sleep. It also allows our days to function better because we're starting from a more de-escalated state sensory-wise at the beginning of the day. Throughout the day, they can be used as a blanket might, wrapping up on a couch while working. Again, it causes reduction of sensory-overload even before it hits, holding it off or even preventing it if it reduces it enough. If overload, meltdowns, and shutdowns occur, they tend to be shorter if the blanket is provided, because it gives the sensory needs without someone constantly worrying about providing a type of input that can be difficult for people to provide for themselves or others for anything more than a very short period of time.

My weighted blanket is one of the largest coping skills I use. If I go somewhere for a weekend, I deal with carrying around a 24 lb queen size blanket. It's not convenient but its worth it. I frequently can write when I otherwise wouldn't be able to only because of my blanket. It helps me through many overloads. It helps drastically with my sleep. It's a very valuable tool, enough that I'm working on getting another blanket.

The downside of weighted blankets is that most places that sell them are expensive. However, the other option to buying one is making one. What I'd done for mine was make it. If you sew, have a sewing machine and have time free, its not bad to make one, just time consuming

The method I'd used might not be the most efficient at times; but it seems to have generally been a good one. The basic idea is that that you want evenly weighted pockets, all about 4 inches x 4 inches (that's been found to be the right size), that add up to the proper weight. The proper weight will generally be 10%+1 lb of the body weight of the person who will be using the blanket.

Instructions

1. Determine size and weight

   I wanted a blanket that I could both completely wrap around me and would work for two people sleeping. I thus decided I wanted a blanket about 55-60 inches wide. As my boyfriend is 6'4", I decided to make a 80" long blanket. For a 43" wide blanket (twin size) its recommended to use 10% of body-weight + 1 pound. Because this is larger, I'll use an increased weight, probably about 23 pounds instead of 15 pounds.

2. Gather equipment

   In order to make this blanket it required I borrowed things such as a sewing machine. Necessary equipment includes

   • Sewing machine
   • Measuring tape, pins and other sewing supplies
   • Kitchen scale for measuring weights
   • Butter knife
   • Funnel (can just be paper)
   • 2 cups for measuring plastic in and pouring into that first cup.
   • Tweezers or pliers
3. Gather supplies

   In order to make my blanket, I needed to gather up supplies to make it out of, including trying to minimize prices. Optimal design seemed to include having four layers of fabric, to increase durability, the outer shell being removable for easier cleaning, and weighting with poly-pellets.

   • Poly Pellets for weight

     Online research suggests that poly pellets tend to work best if you don't mind the increased bulk in using plastic. This wasn't an issue for me and durability matters much more to me than how bulky it is anyways. You can get poly pellets at craft stores. If you care about price, don't. You can get it drastically cheaper on ebay. I ordered 30 pounds of plastic in two 15 pound increments for $2/lb shipped.

     Some people suggest using beans, be aware that any food product can get moldy, and has major issues being washed (as dried food products rehydrate when put in water). Either poly pellets or aquarium rocks that you are sure won't hold water if its washed tend to be your best bet for a filling material - poly pellets would be my suggestion, as the increased bulk is actually something that is nice to me, and is not nearly as large as people make it out to be.

   • Fabric

     You want durable and comfortable. If you don't get distracted like me, a duvet cover for it is a good idea, and allows you to only worry about durable for what you are building the pellets into. If you don't want to, or expect to, manage that, then plan on that. I used sheets for my fabric. The convenience of sheets is very high.

4. Measure fabric

   While nominally I had 60" wide fabric, one queen sheet, and two full sheets, truthfully, the 60" fabric was actually 69" wide. This was far more over its nonimal size than I expected, and its relevant to know that now.

5. Wash fabric

   If you prewash fabric then it'll shrink before you make the blanket rather than shrink unevenly after.

6. Cut and hem fabric

   These are large peices of fabric. In order to cut them straight I used the method described here. I found that using a small pair of pilars worked drastically better than tweezers - it was easier to pull straight, and thus I was able to pull out longer strands. Ripping the fabric also works.

7. Sew two peices of fabric on 3 edges, leaving one open for filling.

   Be careful while doing this that your fabric lines up. In my case, it one of the sides wasn't actually straight - I left that side open so I could patch it at the end.

8. Flip the fabric inside out into a giant pillow-case like thing
9. Measure and mark every 4 inches down the sewn bottom
10. Sew columns

    For each column, first measure out and mark a few point on the column to help you keep it straight, then sew using the sewing machine. Because I was filling mine from the side, I had 20 of these.

11. Calculate wight per pocket.

    4"x4" pockets are recommended. Each one of these should have equal weight. Calculate the number of pockets your blanket will have (mine will have 340 pockets), and divide the weight you want by the number of pockets. I'm ending up making about a 25 lb blanket because it is so large, and will put 34 grams of plastic in each pocket.

12. Measure plastic and put it in each row.

    Measure equal weights of plastic and put it in the bottom of each row. Even though you can do it without a funnel, use the funnel, it both increases the speed to mess ratio, and is a useful marker of how far along the row you've gotten.

13. Pin the pockets shut

    Measure 4 inches for the height of the pocket, push all the plastic down (with the butter knife), and pin it shut.

14. Sew along making those pockets

    This is a very slow process. This is also where a butter knife comes in handy. In order to not have the plastic pellets get caught and stop the sewing machine, you need to kepe them out of the way. The best way I found was to go pocket by pocket and use the flat side of a butter knife to push them down into the very bottom for each pocket. When you inevitably get a pellet in the foot of the sewing machine, pick it out with something small - likely the tweezers or piliers you used earlier.

    For the first two or three rows its easier to pass the weighted section through the sewing machine. By the time you're half done its far easier for the weighted section to be supported next to the sewing machine.

15. Repeat steps 12 through 14 for each row.

    If you want to fill the last row you can. Do be aware though, that its far more likely than the other rows to cause a broken needle if you didn't give sufficient room for the seam. I started filling the last row, then broke the needle, and gave up on it.

(btw, for just linking to the instructions and not scrolling down, if you're saving a link or such, click here)

Shoes with toes (and sensory requirements)

Vibram five fingers, and other minimalist footware have started to get common enough that a decent percentage of people know about shoes with toes existing, but few people I've talked to know why people use them (except that they're popular for running). When people see mine they often question how I like them if they've heard of them before, or look strangely at my feet in confusion.

I've warn five fingers almost exclusively since Christmas of last year when I got my first pair. In this period of time the only time I got close to hurting myself while walking was while I was wearing boots. Even walking on ice, if I slipped with these shoes, I was able to react without risking hurting myself at all, despite these having what people view as a sole that isn't grippy enough.

The reason is simple, these shoes let me feel the ground through them. Normal shoes, I'm walking on a platform that isn't actually on the ground and have no way of knowing what is going on under my feet through touch. I'd recommend these shoes to people in general for this reason, but would do so even stronger for people who, like me, need to put effort into managing sensory integration.

ASDs, do tend to come with sensory "issues" - hypersensitivity, hyposensitivity, integration issues, or so on. Beyond that, I also identify with SPD (despite not having been diagnosed with that) - Sensory Processing Disorder. For people with both an ASD and SPD the borderline between the two is incredibly blurred. Both ASDs and SPD however cause people to have different sensory requirements than the norm; hyposensitive or hypersensitive, and avoiding or seeking input, the requirements are different.

Personally, I'd consider myself hypersensitive (without question) and seeking (though I avoid things that are headache triggers). Despite hypertasting, spicy food is something I eat rather than avoid; despite hypersmelling, I'll use something that's 50% peppermint oil when someone else would use aromatherapy levels; despite hyperfeeling, I want the input of as much detail of what's under my feet as possible.