I've complained before about people talking about how I'm articulate. I didn't get into many of the details of what actually goes on in my head though.
Lately I've been wanting to write things. I've had a variety of topics I've wanted to describe so that others could understand better. However, having topics I want to discuss doesn't mean that I'm able to actually get through the process of even mentally getting it ready for writing.
I want to write about empathy, but I can't even have words hit paper, or computer screen about this. I know that there are ideas like how we are called not empathetic, yet others don't even bother to try to understand us; so their empathy doesn't actually extend to us, whether it is intuitive or solved through a logic puzzle. But, anything more than that is stuck, ideas not coming out. Ideas not getting to words. Ideas never getting to the point where they might even thought of being written, because I'm still attempting to figure out which of the thoughts are ideas which matter.
The thoughts don't actually have words down at that level. They don't have pictures either. They're just thoughts of thoughtiness. And in order to use them I need to identify which are relevant of all the things I know, and all the things I'm currently thinking. I get them out, convert them to words, and then have the words appear on my screen as I type.
But, the first level, of getting the thoughts to the point where I can even convert them to words; that level isn't one which allows all thoughts to pass through in general, and doesn't allow all thoughts to pass through at any given time. Even when I'm at my most communicative, I still have a majority of the things I'm thinking never actually getting through.
Then words form. Here I might have word finding difficulties, or I may not. I've found most of my word finding difficulties end up rather entertaining with what comes out when it occurs. This can take an actually meaningful amount of time. Words do not come immediately, its an actual translation process.
Sometimes, though, when words are struggling to form, I end up with things where I can get some of the words, and mostly its stuck in the idea, that has gotten to that level. That never actually is able to fully form into a coherent thought in words, because even though I know the words, the thought and words don't want to combine into one. I get a word or two. I end up, noting them down, that there is something meaningful about those words going on in my head. Or I just skip over them.
Because, if it doesn't get through the words forming step, then outside of me, you won't know its there. You might realize when I'm trying hard to come up with how to say something, but only sometimes, because much of this is just what is always going on. If it is before that step, if its something that the words didn't come together for, or if its something that didn't get through that initial phase, you won't have any clue those thoughts exist.
So, for me, I'll know about them. And I'll know how much I've left out, because they didn't get through the layers before it got to actually communicating it to someone else. But you, you won't have any clue if its there or not.
And that's why, you might not realize what is missing while I'll know how much is.
Large topics never get discussed because I can't figure out how, yet people never realize they even exist. Something as simple as asking for food might never happen because I don't know how. Answering questions, simple, complex, all over the place, people think they know so much more than they do, simply because the ideas have not left my head and yet people assume they know what is going on.
Because, what has left is easily understood, yet, what hasn't, they've not heard and they're private to me, and those who've learned them via behaviors rather than listening to only words.