Thursday, March 5, 2015

Disappearing processing

Usually I just write posts when I have something to write about. I sit down here in order to write out a post, and while what comes out might not have been what I planned, its organized. Alternatively, I write a post in my head as something I want to say, because of what has been going on around me, and share it when I get to a computer.

This is completely different, and feels more personal in some ways. It's worth sharing, so I'm sharing it, but its not what I normally write. This is when I was asked to do something to help out and I couldn't, and went to say something online, what came out. This is what I was saying, while I was losing my ability to process senses. This is a description of senses being more jumbled up in real time.

I plan on these happening. I organize my day and my week so that my body losing the ability to understand the world has minimal effect on others. I have taught myself things from mentally being able to swap visual processing off and just use processing the other senses to understand what's going on (and without vision it is easier to process other senses, especially hearing), to how to get backup information from alternative senses, to what I should carry with me to keep myself safe. I reduce sensory input to reduce frequency, and give myself what I seek more than I seek it.

But still, when it happens it can be disorienting and make me feel like I'm not able to do what I need to do. No matter the frequency, it makes me feel like I should be doing more.

So here. This is one sort of what its like to be losing processing. Typos are because I could no longer process vision even enough to have any tunnel vision; it was just gone. I'm not sure how understandable it is. I feel like its missing so much. But, even little bits help with understanding.

I can't adult.

At school all day today my vision was blurry from not processing vision and I tried to work through that.

My speech was reduced.

Being able to remember where things like the work I was giving them was barely there. If we finished early, extra stuff, I didn't have any clue what to do and couldn't make it up despite usually being great at that.

By the end of the day I was sitting there losing time in dissociation.

I had stuff I was supposed to do here. I got a load of laundry in. I stopped functioning. I've not managed to swap it over. I've not managed to get myself anything to drink. I've been home 6 hours and thirsty the whole time.

My body isn't understanding what's going on around it at all. I'm hearing sounds and they don't mean anything. I'm seeing things, and the things I'm focusing on writing, I can see a fraction of my particular post here, and everything else is gibberish, if it exists at all.

I feel cold on my back and I don't know why. I feel things on my hands that I can't understand. They might be touching things I don't know what. I think my head is spinning. I can't figure it out if it is or not. I can't understand anymore. My vision is getting more lost. I can see colors now. I am typing from muscle memory.

I'm supposed to be doing things. They need my help. If I don't then food will be delayed even more. I don't know how to adult. I don't how how to keep my body froom floating off in pieces. My arms are glued down and heavy and my legs are unattached and my back is only partially feeling things and I don't know what is happening to me.

I need input that I can understand but I can't understand enough to get it. I need things that are clear. I need sound that is defined. I need strong foods. I need heavy weights. I need to be held tight. I need to touch more things. I nee to move and everything.

And I'm hthe only one home and will be for at least another 30 minutes.

At least I'm in bed with my blanket.

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