Wednesday, May 27, 2015


You're so socially aware.

But that doesn't help me, as I curl up in tears, aware that there's a problem, but not aware enough to do a thing. My awareness is only enough to tell me that I do not know enough. It is enough to tell me that I am causing problems. It is enough to tell me that people are in pain. It is enough to tell me that people around me are hurting.

It is not enough to tell me how to stop it; how to help.

You're so articulate.

But that doesn't help me, as I try not to cry, not being able to sort out the words that I need to use. It only tells me that I need to choose words carefully, not what they are. That my words can make others feel, can change others thoughts, not what to do when I'm the one that is lost and confused.

What do I do when I'm trying to help, but feel I can only hurt?

You're so high functioning they always repeat. Finding new ways to say this idea. You aren't impaired. You do not struggle. Your life is a breeze, and others relate. Others hear you, others understand, communication is not a challenge for you. How can it be, when you speak so well? When you type out things I enjoy so much?

What of those tears? What of the lost and feeling alone, wanting and needing to make myself heard. What of the not knowing myself, or of not knowing how to get it all out?

What of the trying, and needing to know, of the the tears of the others unintentionally caused. What of the needing to know of the mistakes, and the guilt, and the blame. And still not knowing of a thing to change.

What of the tears that are denied yet again? For I want to do good, and am afraid because I don't know how, and instead seem to cause pain.

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