I am proud

I am proud. Not because of thinking I'm better than you, but because I've seen what some of us have gone through.

I've seen the struggles of autistic people because of being autistic, fighting not themselves, not their bodies, but the world, and society, and winning. Making progress, making it better and doing it despite the fact that society is telling them they can't.

So I have to be proud for them. They're doing drastic things, hard things.

I only really became part of the community four years ago, and in these four years, I've seen changes happening. I've seen progress being made, things getting better. And it's not getting better because of time; it's getting better because of lots of hard work by autistic people fighting in many cases even when their disability would "get in the way". It's people going out in situations where they are facing sensory overload in order to talk to people about changing laws. It's people finding ways to be listened to when their voices are being denied because they're computerized voices. It's people doing thing, even when it's hard. And it's progress happening.

We need to be proud of how much has happened. And of what people have done.

And yet, we need to think of those who are being denied these chances. We need to think of those who are hiding who they are, being told they're someone else. We need to help them.

We need to be able to be proud of who we are just for who we are. We need to say "I can be me, I am me". Because not everyone can say that yet.

We need to show them we can and see what we can do to make their lives easier. Whether that just means living openly, speaking out, or seeing what we can do in our own small fields, we need to help make it better for everyone else.

I need to look at the children being told in schools they can't stim. The children having their hands held down. The children being told they need to look people in the eyes and that eye contact is more important than learning academic material.

I need to speak up for them; work on changing academic environments, and do what I can to work with them, stimming, and just speaking to individuals, showing, that I'm an effective adult who's gone to college, and yet, is visibly autistic while I'm working with them. That hiding my symptoms isn't what makes me "functional"; that being able to teach children is far more "functional" than "I can look you in the eyes".

I need to show the children that it's okay to be me, so that they can be less afraid growing up of being who they are. If just speaking out to them about who I am, changes the lives of those near me. I need to do it, loudly, proudly, because they aren't ready yet to be like I am.

I need to work on changing the world in my own way. So that we don't need to say "I am proud" just for being who I am.

But we're not there yet. So, right now. Yes, I am proud to be autistic.

"I am hated"

Do the teachers really think that saying "no, people don't hate autism" will make it that way when a child is aware enough of the world to make such a statement? Or is it that they simply have the ability to deny the fear and hatred pointed towards us -the people they choose to work with.

Do they think that sheltering people from the horrors of reality is more important than letting people learn how to face what will inevitably haunt them? Or do they pretend those horrors aren't there, refusing to learn the experiences of those they teach?

Where can hatred be hidden, such that even those who spend a large portion of their lives with us, cannot see it? How can it be that people are unable to see, refusal of who we are, telling us how hurtful we are, telling us how we are not worth anything?

And yet they do it. Those who want to help, don't see us either, they don't see our pain, deny our experiences, and apply therapies without thinking of whether or not they will hurt more than they help.

Are they aware of what happens to us? They have to not be, but how can they not? Where are our voices, being drowned out in the crowds? And why does it take our voices screaming out for someone to stop and listen?

If a child says "people like me are hated" I would think you would listen, but we're downgraded, not taken as authorities on ourselves. And sometimes it feels like being a professional is what makes me listened to, not being an autistic adult.

Still, I'll take it if its what I get. And I'll explain, no, there is hatred. And explain that it is because of false assumptions, misinformation, and lack of knowledge. If people stop and hear my words? Then their hatred reduces, their fear reduces.

So, do not deny my reality, or his reality. Do not teach that the world is a safe place when it is not. And at the same time know, that people will learn, they just need to be taught, because what is out there about us now is toxic.

Acceptance is a Journey: Acceptance. Love, and Self-care: #AutismPositivity2015

Acceptance is a journey
And it is one we will always be on
No matter how far we travel there is always further to go.

I learn about myself
What I can do
How I can do it
What I need to do differently
And how I can do better
But I can always learn more

I need to let myself stop and do those better ways
Even when I think I accept myself
I learn
And I challenge my understanding of myself

Acceptance is a journey
One I'm always undertaking
Pushing myself farther
Making myself more okay with who I am and how to best live in this world

Challenges will always occur
And I need to step up to them
Letting myself live in a way better for me
Letting myself be happier with who I am

Acceptance is a journey
One I must be on
Spreading to others
Sharing my message
Of hope
Of love
Of how it is not a bad thing to live as I do

Of how every person is worthy
And how you shouldn't deny someone their humanity
Because of not understanding them

Acceptance is a journey
One that can be hard
But one that is worthy
To undertake
Because we will always make more progress
Towards a better life

Success

I sit at a table, working playing a game with students. Next to me a conversation goes on, which I desperately want to join into, and can't, because I'm working with their classmates. Instead, I busy myself listening, enjoying what I hear. Twelve and thirteen year olds discussing neurodiversity and what it means to be autistic. Preteens and teens discussing their own way of being - my way of being - and the idea of acceptance.

Another time, I sit at the same table, and a student fights within himself - overwhelmed by the noises of the classroom, but afraid of acknowledging his impairments. I'm there with him, sharing his disorder, but already accepting my own, and someone who he views as someone worth looking up to. I am open about my ear muffs in my backpack, and about how much more noise it would take for me to go through the effort of pulling them out even buried so deep. That day self-care and self-acceptance wins, because of acceptance of me, and he gets his own ear muffs to protect himself from the sensory onslaught he was feeling.

Teachers requesting where I got my neurodiversity t-shirt, aides asking about the problems of stim suppression, people turning to me as someone knowledgeable about autism and asking me questions. Most importantly, students treating me as a mentor rather than any other sort of adult.

Success - that is what I get. I make a difference in people's lives, because of my autism, and because I know who I am. I am not afraid, I know I'm impaired, I accept the word "disability", and what I get for it, is my success.

Everyone's success is their own. No two people do the same thing, no two people share the same traits, disabled or not, autistic or not. No two people share the exact same goals. What I manage though, is managing to show people that they are worthy, by showing them myself. I manage to show them how to accept themselves, by showing them that it isn't a scary place of lesser being and inability, it is a place of acknowledgement of impairments, and a place of finding themselves and their own goals. I manage to show them the worth of everyone, slowly, by showing them that impairments don't define the worth of a person, even when they begin afraid of impairments doing so.

My success is helping people through that process, speeding it up, making it not one to be afraid of. My success is making other adults start to see bits and pieces, and what that might mean in education. My success is taking being myself and spreading the idea that you shouldn't be afraid of someone like me, and it working. My success is seeing steps, someone asking me for help for more ways to take care of themselves, someone talking more openly about who they are, someone turning and talking to others about how autism isn't a bad thing.

These aren't things I could do without being autistic. I use my autism productively, because it is who I am. I need to help and share. I need to make people see the beauty of math, see that I'm not a horrible person because I am autistic, need to make people see how much they are, no matter their impairments. I need to take my self-acceptance and project it onto others, until they accept me too, until they accept themselves too, until things become better.

Because in too many cases the children are sitting their not understanding who they are, because nobody tells them. The parents fear because nobody tells them. The people around haven't heard any words about autism besides "autism speaks". There isn't any ideas of what or who we are, except the idea of fear. I am not afraid of who I am, I see no reason to fear me, even if sometimes I need a little help.

So, I want to take this, and tell people. Take this and go to the children, and instead of the therapy, just play games working on math skills and while doing that talk to them as a peer and mentor. Letting them know who I am, being open about my diagnosis, being open about my impairments and about what I do because of them. Answering questions about how I cope, and about what my quirks are. Tricking them into learning skills that I think are necessary to learn, and I think will help them, focusing on problem solving skills, and critical thinking skills, and various types of reasoning.

And that's what I do, I share, I teach, I show people and they get to know too. They get to see too the beauty, they get to see too, who they really are - someone who isn't to be feared.

Expectations and the Implication Thereof

Another loud day. Another day where I figure out what I'm doing on the fly. Another day where I'm to do that while people shout around me. But that's what I'm supposed to do, I'm not really impaired at this.

I do the same thing, day to day, whether or not they want me to. I know there are limits from this. I know that that there are other things they'd want me to do, but this is always helpful, and always something I can do. It's always something I can remember before I can't think. I fall into safe space of understanding. But when we finish and I'm expected to do something else...that's usually when its loudest. That's when my head is spinning. That's when I don't know where I am. That's when I try to do something, anything, while I don't know what is going on. That's when I need a quiet space to myself for a sensory retreat to have a chance at making it farther in the day. But, can I get that?

I'm not given it. I have to take it for myself, leaving, and finding a spot. Holding myself close, in a quiet room, hoping it will remain quiet. Trying to recenter myself, trying to find my way back to the world, before I need to re-enter their world. Why am I not given this? Why can't I just have these few moments to myself? Why do I need to rush at someone else's schedule, or go out of my way places where I do not know where I am in such a body? Why can't they find ways to meet me when I work too hard to meet them.

In so many ways, I'm expected to meet the expectations of others about what I can and can't do, that when someone stops and asks "could something help you" or notices when I'm getting agitated, it means a lot. Things which shouldn't mean so much, mean the difference between being unable to face activities I want to do, and being capable of it, because now I have had someone else take up some of the effort, usually at little cost of their own.

In so many ways, these expectations surround me, meaning no matter how much I'm not bothering to try to look neurotypical, it does not matter. There are still perceptions of ability that I am always capable of finding my way around a building in their eyes, and I must find a way to manage or I'm left with only myself falling into pieces and still no help.

Coming Out Autistic

Every time I am open about who I am, it opens up the world a little bit more.
It makes it a little bit more aware that people like me exist.
It makes it a little bit more accepting that people like me exist.
Every time I do an action that we're told we cannot do, it says, "Hey look, this works. Hey look, we can do this."
Every time I say who I am, I make it easier for you to say who you are too.

Society isn't accepting of us. Society defines us into roles, ostracizes us, stigmatizes us. Society fears us and makes us fear it.

And being openly autistic, doing what I want to in life, being impaired and not a stereotype... that helps with teaching society that I am both a verbal disabled autistic adult, and someone who is a success.

And with that, as others do too, it teaches them about autism.

Maybe that'll mean you can be who you need to be. Maybe that'll mean you fear being yourself less. Maybe it'll mean you'll let yourself know this is who you are, and instead of trying to deny it, try to find ways for you to enjoy yourself as yourself. Maybe it'll mean you'll fear others less. Maybe it'll mean you can walk around flapping and humming and wearing ear muffs, and then, go, and be one of the most productive people at your job because they actually gave you a chance to get through an interview. Or maybe it'll mean that you'll go to college when you had thought you couldn't because of the messages around you. Maybe it'll mean that slowly we can erode the idea that working full-time is required to be a worthwhile human being. Or maybe it'll just help you find a way besides a 9-5 to make your own way in this world - whether monetarily or otherwise.

Maybe I can help you be you, by being me.