Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Expectations and the Implication Thereof

Another loud day. Another day where I figure out what I'm doing on the fly. Another day where I'm to do that while people shout around me. But that's what I'm supposed to do, I'm not really impaired at this.

I do the same thing, day to day, whether or not they want me to. I know there are limits from this. I know that that there are other things they'd want me to do, but this is always helpful, and always something I can do. It's always something I can remember before I can't think. I fall into safe space of understanding. But when we finish and I'm expected to do something else...that's usually when its loudest. That's when my head is spinning. That's when I don't know where I am. That's when I try to do something, anything, while I don't know what is going on. That's when I need a quiet space to myself for a sensory retreat to have a chance at making it farther in the day. But, can I get that?

I'm not given it. I have to take it for myself, leaving, and finding a spot. Holding myself close, in a quiet room, hoping it will remain quiet. Trying to recenter myself, trying to find my way back to the world, before I need to re-enter their world. Why am I not given this? Why can't I just have these few moments to myself? Why do I need to rush at someone else's schedule, or go out of my way places where I do not know where I am in such a body? Why can't they find ways to meet me when I work too hard to meet them.

In so many ways, I'm expected to meet the expectations of others about what I can and can't do, that when someone stops and asks "could something help you" or notices when I'm getting agitated, it means a lot. Things which shouldn't mean so much, mean the difference between being unable to face activities I want to do, and being capable of it, because now I have had someone else take up some of the effort, usually at little cost of their own.

In so many ways, these expectations surround me, meaning no matter how much I'm not bothering to try to look neurotypical, it does not matter. There are still perceptions of ability that I am always capable of finding my way around a building in their eyes, and I must find a way to manage or I'm left with only myself falling into pieces and still no help.

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