Monday, April 27, 2015

Struggling to Explain

I wonder if they realize that I might ever show symptoms. They know my diagnosis. I don't hide who I am. They've seen people there to help me out. But I'm an adult.

Expectations are broken. I don't know what to do. My brain feels jammed up. But instead of being supportive, or even saying that yes, they made a mistake, the same question is repeated. The question which doesn't get a reply the first, or second, or third, or fourth time, keeps getting repeated. The question that just keeps saying "you should just take what we're offering, even though it won't actually help, and will actually make things worse".

Jammed, unaware what to do. All my routine broken. Needing to get stuff done, because people keep saying things to me, that say I need to have an answer in the next 10 minutes, 5 minutes. I stare at my phone, still not having an idea, still feeling like everything is wrong with the world, still feeling a need to hide, but not even having a place to hide.

Explaining is too hard. I can't figure out how. Even now, I can't share the lost and confused feeling of not being able to organize your thoughts or feelings. I don't know how to make even people here have the least bit of understanding of the having a problem that you can't solve, and not being able to figure it out, and it being like that is piling on top of itself, as people don't understand that it is even a problem. And at the same time feeling lost inside your own brain, trying to find ways to find solutions, but not finding ways to even think clearly enough to approach them. Even simple solutions would be out of reach, because of all-consuming need of finding-self. Yet the finding-self doesn't seem doable without solving the problem.

I don't know how to make people understand the confusion and wanting to understand, and wanting to find solutions, and instead just being lost inside. And feeling like it is expected that there is nothing at all.

If I can't explain it now, how could I explain it then, when I can't find myself? How can I explain that I'm trying to find solutions, but am just being asked over and over why can't I just take their solution. Questions I can't reply to.

Is it surprising that I reply to things I don't expect? Is it surprising I don't process repeated questions, or take time to reply? Maybe people can't understand. Maybe they still need to figure it out. But how can I help them figure it out when they already know of my diagnosis, I'm open, and there's only so much I can do when it is happening. People need to pay attention to learn, and I can't make them do that. I can only try to help them if they are willing.

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