Wednesday, April 22, 2015


Sometimes I feel like I'm just lazy, and like I could do so much more if I just tried. Like I make people do so much for me that they don't need to, because I won't figure out how to, and like I should be figuring out how and doing these things.

Other times, I feel like I'm overworking myself, refusing to take care of myself, pushing too far, doing too much. Like I'm not watching out, and burning myself down to nothingness.

When I am managing to put together the pieces of how to do activities, I feel like I am overstating my impairments, like I don't need help, like I'm capable of doing it all on my own. I don't see where the challenges are, and can clearly complete these, and much more complex tasks.

But when I'm struggling, I don't know how to organize the pieces enough to find one to start from. I can't figure out what to do, or where to go. I can't understand how I could ever complete such things, they seem so far away.

Sometimes, the challenge is to predict which side I'll be on, whether I'll be thriving, or struggling through. Sometimes, the challenge is having gotten that prediction wrong, and having me alone, unable to meet my needs, even though on another day, I could do more than just that. Sometimes, the challenge is having fallen too fast from from side to the other, and trying not to feel like I am not worthy, as I need to ask for help and don't know how, when the day before I didn't need this help.

But as the crickets chirp, and the sky fades, today, my body decides, it is time that we can work together. Whether or not the pieces were fitting earlier today do not matter. Now the world feels safer; now, it makes sense.

Now, I need to remember, that I am not lazy for needing to ask for help sometimes, I just need to thrive in the fact that I do not need to at this moment, while my body and mind agree.

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